La Femme Rayonlune: Sane
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Section tries to get back to business, but is this the way?
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. Contains the Russian lyrics of t.A.T.u’s “All The Things She Said” (Ya Soshla S Uma), used without permission. No infringement is intended.
Section One: Briefing Table
Madeline and Operations watched as all the key characters took their seats. After Birkoff insisted on sitting on the complete opposite side of Jason, Quinn slapped Greg a few times for touching her, and Nikita found her other earring, they were ready to start the meeting. Operations stood up before them. “As many of you know, it took a great deal of time and energy to convince the world that we weren’t morons after the Bill Shagger incident, but we used the extended downtime to fix Jason’s ‘accident’…”
Everyone glared at Jason with Operations. Jason fidgeted in his seat awkwardly, absently scratching the scarlet ‘A’ on his forehead.
“Even though we are back up to 95.230948230984023948% of where we were at before, Madeline and I feel that there are still some improvements to be made on our over-all performance in order to get back up to full service. Thanks to the assistance of our renewed Michael-”
Michael gave him a blank stare.
“-who has been restored to Level Five status, and the new Quinn-”
Quinn humbly nodded her head, not moving a hair from the tight bun at the back of her head.
“-who has been a credit to us all during the reprogramming, even though she dove into the task only two days after her return, we have a certain agenda in order to get our work back on track. One improvement that you’ve most likely already seen is the scarlet ‘A’ on Jason’s forehead. Thanks to Quinn’s recommendation, in order to make abeyance all the more serious and at the same time embarrassing, all operatives in abeyance will have a scarlet ‘A’ super-glued onto their foreheads. At the same time, this also forces operatives in abeyance to stay in Section in order to hide our existence from the general public.” Operations smiled at Quinn. “That is some lovely needlepoint, Quinn. The nuns taught you well. And, everyone, in case you’re thinking that there’s no way Quinn can churn out enough of these for everyone, you’re hideously wrong.”
“Hey!” Jason blurted out, despite protocol. “Nikita’s in abeyance too, and I don’t see no patch on her forehead!”
Operations glared at him. “Field ops are required to leave Section in order to carry out missions. In light of this, the patch has been glued somewhere else.”
Jason waited for an answer. “Where?”
Everyone looked at Nikita, searching her body for visible signs of the red patch. She glanced at them, avoiding their looks. “I’m not showing you.”
Operations continued, “But for the real reason we brought you all together. Quinn and Michael brought it to our attention that a great deal of our energy has been diverted to another source, a source that has corrupted us despite our attempts to just have a little fun. So, from this day forward, every operative in Section, despite rank and location, is celibate.”
Everyone but Quinn and Michael gasped.
“Even…” Operations looked longingly at Madeline, sitting next to him. She dabbed the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief monogrammed with the flag of her empire. “…Madeline and I will be abstaining from the erotic pleasures of the flesh. You are all expected to cease all sexual activity and focus your new energy and attention on your work. This, however, excludes Walter, who waited patiently on the sidelines of Sanity while the rest of us fucked our brains out.”
Walter grinned like the Cheshire Cat.
“To you, Walter, I give you my lifetime supply of herbal Viagra. God speed, old buddy.” Operations held the box out toward him. Walter stood up and graciously accepted the gift, but he couldn’t quite seem to get it away from Operations. He tugged a few times until Operations finally let go of the box. Operations sniffled once, then composed himself. “You are all dismissed.”
Greg waited until Operations and Madeline were well out of earshot to say, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
Jason pouted and whimpered, “Bu…bu…what do we do now?”
Michael rose with Quinn and pushed his chair in. “I suggest that you concentrate on your job before Operations replaces you permanently.” He smugly walked away with Quinn right behind.
Moonbeam followed Birkoff to his station. “This should be very interesting.”
Birkoff sat down in his chair, leaned back, and smiled. “For them or for us?”
Moonbeam grinned back. “Maybe a little of both. I really don’t think I’ll have a problem with this. How about you?”
Birkoff shrugged. “It’s not like I was going as hot as the rest of them. And me and Ericah weren’t having sex at all the last few weeks we were dating…”
Moonbeam frowned. “Hold up; you broke up?”
Birkoff smiled weakly. “Yeah. Her band started getting famous, so she was gone all the time. And after I discovered that the root of my addiction to girlie-alcoholic drinks was her bottomless mini-fridge, things went downhill pretty fast after that.”
Moonbeam brushed some hair from her face. “Man, I need to get out of that over-sized closet more often. I’m missing all the good gossip.”
Suddenly, Jason yelled, “HEY!” and leapt over to the intercom on Birkoff’s desk. He pounded on the buttons with his fist until he got the Perch. “As long as you’re in this with the rest of us, I want to see through those windows crystal clear!”
They all looked at the Perch as the windows were undimmed. Madeline could be seen rushing out the door, using her skirt as a tissue as she ran out sobbing.
Moonbeam quickly turned back to Birkoff. “Hey, I know! There’s no way those two can keep this up, so eventually they’ll reverse this. In the meantime, we’ll go raid my closet and work on your image!”
Birkoff shrugged and smiled. “Okay.”
Moonbeam smiled mischievously. “Then you’ll have to beat the girls off you.”
Section One: Comm Disk Archive Storage
Jason took a stack of floppy disks to the far back corner, accidentally bumping into a new female operative. He mumbled an apology while the operative sweetly said, “Excuse me.”
Jason froze in place. It couldn’t be. He turned and looked at the operative. Bleached blonde hair, large obviously fake breasts, tight ass, unmistakable tattoo. The disks he was holding fell to the floor. He stammered, “You…yu…you’re Jenna Jameson.”
Jenna smiled politely. “I’m just Jenna now.”
“Oh-oh my god, you’re Jenna Jameson! I-I’ve been watching you ever since Up and Cummers. I have all of your movies! I have The Wicked One, and Camera Shy, and On Her Back, and-”
Jenna continued to smile politely and nod occasionally.
“- Lip Service, and-and that one where you played Betty Blueballs, and Hard Evidence, and The F-Zone, and Cybersex, and Dirty Bob’s Xcellent Adventures, and Conquest, and Wicked Weapon-”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it. You have a very large collection. I’m…impressed.”
Jason’s eyes lit up. “I also have all of your action figures except…um…” He looked away guiltily. “…I have to clean them…again…”
Jenna looked around awkwardly.
Jason cleared his throat. “So, uh, how come you haven’t done anything since Porn N’ Chicken?”
Jenna pointed up with a perfectly manicured nail. “I’ve been here.”
“Oh, right.” Jason looked around, suddenly remembering where he was. “So, what did you do to get here?”
Jenna faked a grin. “I kind of lost it one day on the set of My Plaything.”
“Really? Was it included in the final release?”
“I don’t think so. It got pretty bloody.”
“Gotcha.” Jason eyed her breasts. “So…”
Section One: Unknown Dark Corridor
Two very large Section thugs in black dragged a kicking and screaming Jason down to the end of the hall. Jason yelled out, “NOOOOO! COME ON!!! I HAD TO! She’s a PORNSTAR! She said she’d do it for ten bu…”
Section One: Comm
Birkoff and Moonbeam walked in, past Madeline gluing up a large copy of the official rules of Section’s renewed celibacy. Birkoff was dressed like a rap gangster with pants four sizes too big, one leg rolled up to his knee, a giant white ski jacket, a Raiders jersey over a white t-shirt, and a baseball cap sideways. Moonbeam wore a skintight gold lamme bikini top with tight gold pleather pants. Her massive platform heels made her four inches taller than Birkoff. With Birkoff’s fake limp, walking was all the more interesting for the twosome.
As they approached Comm, Jenna stood up after filing a folder in the bottom drawer of a file cabinet. She smiled and said brightly, “Hi, Moonbeam! Wow, I haven’t seen you since I was doing underground videos!”
Moonbeam froze. “Jenna? My goddess, long time no see! You’re the new operative I read in the report?”
Ms. Jones, no relation, glanced up at Moonbeam, mumbling to herself. Greg handed Jenna another folder. “Come on, now. No spoiling the newbie. Time to get back to work. Social time later.”
Jenna took the folder, bent over to the bottom drawer, and filed it accordingly. Greg tilted his head to one side to stare at her rear, very visible thanks to her short skirt. Moonbeam asked, “Um, Jenna, what are you doing?”
Jenna stood up and Greg pouted. “Well, this is my first day, so I’m just doing some of the grunt work until I get used to things.”
“Since when did we start filing?”
Greg answered, “Oh, you know we always have a hard copy of all our files, just in case Jason has another ‘accident’.”
Moonbeam gave him a Look, as if to say, “Since when, dipshit?”
Jenna exclaimed, “Oh!” and opened the top drawer, taking out a pair of jeans. She walked over to Birkoff and handed them to him. “You forgot your pants when those men were taking you away.”
Birkoff took them with a confused look. “Um, these aren’t mine…fa shizzle dizzle…”
Madeline walked up at that precise moment. “No, they’re Jason’s.” She addressed Jenna. “This is Seymour Birkoff, Jason’s twin brother. Or, rather, used to be.” She turned back to Birkoff. “Congratulations, Birkoff, you are now an only child.”
Birkoff’s eyes lit up. “Really? What did you do with him?”
“Jason has been cancelled.”
“Excellent! How’d you do it? Did you take pictures?”
“I’m sorry; that’s classified. Now, Jenna,” she turned back to the ex-pornstar, “given your physical appearance and your former career, we’re not punishing you this time. But in the future, you must remember our new rule. No sexual relations with operatives.”
Jenna nodded in affirmation. “I’m very sorry, Madeline. Jason told me that it didn’t apply to operatives with a cup size larger than C, and I believed him.”
“Well, you’ll all be able to see all the details of this new situation right over there. If you have any questions, I suggest you consult the Celibacy Wall.” Madeline walked away.
Greg replied, “Well, Jenna, these folders aren’t going to file themselves!”
Jenna sighed, took another folder, and bent down to file it. Moonbeam rushed forward and made her stand up. “Um, Jenna, honey, you’re really going to have to start wearing underwear to work.”
Greg whined, “Oh, c’mon, Moonbeam! You ruin everything!” He got up and stomped off toward the Wall. “I’m going to find a loophole in this new rule. There has to be something!”
Section One: Michael’s Office
Nikita was on Michael’s desk, pounding on it with her fists and screaming. Office supplies were scattered everywhere. Michael sat calmly in his chair and gave her a blank stare. Nikita stopped and flipped her hair back. “Michael, how can you do this to me? I don’t know how long I can go on like this!”
“I thought you could do anything after you got through the first season. And the meeting was only an hour ago. According to Madeline’s records, you should be able to go 32.7 hours until you necessitate sexual gratification.”
Nikita pointed at him. “From the last time that I was sexually satisfied, not since I’ve discovered that I’m not allowed to be satisfied.” She grabbed Michael’s collar. “Michael, how can you do this to me? We used to have this thing, me and you. Remember? The good times?”
“You no longer have control over me, Nikita. I have broken my addiction to Viagra, and to blond-haired Australian sluts.”
Nikita growled and got ready to go off on him before an idea popped into her head. And then it vaporized. No, wait, there it is again! Nikita jumped off the desk and ran to the common area. Greg continued to sit in front of the Celibacy Wall, pouring over the document with a magnifying glass. Nikita stopped and yelled, “Greg!” He looked. “Lesbian sex!”
He shook his head, stood up, and moved to an earlier part of the document. “Section Three, Paragraph Eight: Female operatives shall not receive sexual gratification from other females despite the lack of equipment for penetration.”
“Damn!” Nikita walked off in a huff.
Section One: Wardrobe
Birkoff stood on Moonbeam’s desk wearing butt-huggers and loose knit shirt. His bottle tan was still blotchy in places. Moonbeam stood next to the stereo with her finger on the play button. “Now, this time, try to move your hips more. You’re supposed to be caliente sexy.”
She pushed the button and Enrique Iglesias spilled out of the speakers. Birkoff sang along off key while dancing awkwardly, which seemed like a mix between belly dancing and The Robot. They were so engrossed in the dance that they didn’t even notice Ms. Jones, no relation, walk into the room. She surprised Moonbeam. “Oh…hey…can I help you?
Ms. Jones, no relation, handed her a clipboard. “Here’s the inventory of all the wardrobe that went out on the mission in Milan. Everything has been sent to the Section’s dry cleaners.”
Moonbeam took the clipboard and looked it over. “Okay, thanks.”
Ms. Jones, no relation, seductively ran her finger down Moonbeam’s arm. “No problem.”
Moonbeam looked at her arm, then at her. “Are you insane? Are you trying to get me into trouble? Or have you forgotten about our new state of displeasure?”
Ms. Jones, no relation, frowned. “I’d say that you made me forget about everything, but you probably wouldn’t buy it.” She turned on her heel and stalked out.
Section One: Celibacy Wall
Nameless Operatives #459 and #23 appeared from around the corner. N.O. #23 said, “Hey, Greg! Penetration with a dildo?”
Greg took a few moments to look for the place. “Section Five, Paragraph One: Substituting conventional sexual acts with sex toys is prohibited.”
N.O. #459 asked, “Penetration with a candle?”
“Section Five, Paragraph Two: Any item that can be used as a sex toy is considered a sex toy.”
The operatives walked away grumbling. Suddenly, a chair crashed through the Perch windows and fell to the floor. Operations inside screamed, “GREEEEEEG!”
Greg stood up quickly. “Yes, sir?”
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Well, stop that and go out and get me some porn!”
“Section Nine, Para-”
“SCREW SECTION NINE! Get me porn!”
“I’m sorry, sir! I didn’t make the rules, sir! You did, sir!”
“Then go get me some ice! I’m all out now for some reason…”
Nikita ran around the corner and slid to a stop. “Greg! Sitting on a washing machine on the spin cycle!”
Greg pointed at a point of the document. “Section Five, Paragraph Ten: Riding of household appliances and children’s amusement rides for sexual gratification is prohibited.”
“GOD!” Nikita swore at the wall and walked away.
Section One: Weapons
Moonbeam walked in, but couldn’t find Walter. She had to walk towards the back through a few rooms before finding him with five naked young women. He had converted a corner of the assault rifle room into a sandy beach. He sat in a beach chair under an umbrella as one girl fanned him. He looked up at Moonbeam. “Hey, it’s my favourite purple-haired fashion queen!”
Moonbeam smiled. “Hey, stud, how’s it going?”
He grinned. “They’re Catholic school girls.”
“Are you working hard or hardly working?”
“Well, you’ve got the ‘hard’ part right.”
“He he he, I won’t keep you long, don’t worry.” She held up a small black item. “Tube of plastique lipstick; yours or mine?”
“Sorry, suge, anything that can be used as a weapon belongs down here.”
“Hmm, maybe that we should transfer all the stilettos to your department. I’ll leave this on your desk up front.”
On Moonbeam’s way out, she bumped into Madeline. “Oh, Moonbeam, I’m glad I ran into you. Listen…” she led the girl to a discreet corner. “I wanted to ask your opinion on this new celibacy law. I wanted to get your input before it was put into effect, but Mr. Big Man up there wanted to get it going as fast as possible.”
“Well, it has its ups and downs.” Moonbeam snickered at her Freudian slip.
Madeline narrowed her eyebrows. “What do you mean? I find this entire thing to be one big down! It’s a nightmare trying to concentrate on my country’s affairs and an ongoing mission without my usual morning workout.”
Moonbeam shrugged. “It’s a lot like Prohibition in the twenties. They wanted to get rid of all the problems of alcohol, but it just ended up breeding a bunch of illegal activity and over-indulgence.”
Madeline scoffed, “Well, I don’t know if I would equate it with that.”
“It’s not that hard. You know, there are several schools of thought that can prove that sex has the same social and psychological implications of addictive drugs.”
Madeline frowned. “I’m afraid my current mental state forces me to disagree with you.”
As Madeline huffed away with her usual stoic grace, Moonbeam raised an eyebrow. She could already see the games begin…
Wrath of Vishnu Hindi Cuisine
Birkoff pulled at the collar of his Chinese shirt and repositioned the chopsticks in his hand. Moonbeam adjusted her gold sari and helped herself to another plateful of jasmine rice. “Um, Moonie, I don’t think I match.”
“I’m sorry, but all the male Indian stuff was out on the Blue Slate mission in Delhi. We’re close; we’re on the same continent. And I compensated with the chopsticks. Now eat some of this, it tastes like chili.”
After a few minutes of Birkoff tasting the foreign substance and washing it down with lots of ice water, he contemplated to himself and chuckled. Moonbeam asked through a mouthful of flat bread, “What?”
“Oh, I was just thinking about this new celibacy thing. You notice how people were getting edgy but not very quickly?”
“Yeah, I started getting bored around four.”
“Well, before we left I sort of…insured that it would speed up a little.”
Moonbeam smiled. “What did you do?”
Birkoff grinned. “We have this gas that they developed in the lab that will increase someone’s libido when inhaled, and I might have set it up so that a few gallons of the stuff are let off in the ventilation system at certain times.”
Moonbeam started laughing.
“I thought it would be funny, but not that funny. I think you’ve overdosed on the curry.”
“No…no…” Moonbeam took a minute to compose herself. “I put oyster juice in everything in the cafeteria before all those teams came in toward the end of the day!”
The Asian twosome started laughing hysterically.
Section One: Comm: The Next Morning
Moonbeam walked in and looked around. “Where’s Birkoff?”
Ms. Jones, no relation, suddenly crawled over the desk and threw the monitor that was in her way to the floor. Her hair and clothes were disheveled, and she looked at Moonbeam with hungry and wild eyes. Moonbeam backed away a few inches. “Hey…Lupe…”
Ms. Jones, no relation, started to sing in a deep voice, “Menya polnostyu net, absolyutno vser’ez, situastsiya help, situastsiya SOS…”
“Um, okay…I don’t know that language…”
“Eto medlennyj yad, eto svodit s uma-”
Birkoff walked in. He was still sporting his European minimalist outfit. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Did you know that Lupe knew Russian?”
“She’s the language specialist. She knows twenty-seven languages.”
Ms. Jones, no relation, pointed at Birkoff. “You. Interrupted. Me.”
Before she had a chance to even think about tearing his head off, they heard a screaming from far away coming closer. Eventually, Nikita came into the common area. “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!”
Moonbeam looked at her watch. “Wow, a new record for her. Forty-three hours.”
Nikita finished her exhibition by standing on the briefing table, howling, and tearing her shirt off. She revealed to small abeyance patches across her nipples. Greg left his place at the Celibacy Wall to cheer her on. Madeline appeared out of nowhere. “This is ridiculous! There must be some other way to do this!”
Madeline stormed down the hall toward Michael’s office. Moonbeam tagged along behind to see what would happen and to get away from the Russian wench. Without knocking, she burst into the room only to find Quinn straddling Michael in his chair. Madeline yelled, “What is going on in here?!”
Quinn quickly jumped off Michael and crouched on the floor, looking for her panties. Michael tried to cover up his erect manhood with his hands while standing up. “Madeline, we kept this very clinical. We decided-”
“THIS ISN’T IN THE GODDAMN RULES!!! I didn’t put you two in charge of this just so you two could bang each other! Walter is the only one exempted from the rules, not you! This is crap!”
Moonbeam chimed in, “I can’t believe even you two, the rule writers, didn’t take advantage of the loophole!”
Everyone froze in place and looked at Moonbeam. “Loophole?”
Moonbeam looked around. “Yeah. You guys never found the loophole?”
“Oh. Well, maybe I found it since it was the first thing I thought about.”
Madeline grabbed Moonbeam’s shirt and dragged her out of the room. “You’re going to show me exactly where this loophole is.”
They returned to the common area. Most of the operatives had gone back to their work, but some still stayed to watch Nikita writhe on the briefing table, completely naked except for the abeyance patches. Greg sat in the corner, smoking a cigarette slowly while watching the show. Moonbeam asked, “Hey, Greg, did you find the loophole?”
Greg glared at her and exhaled. “No. There is none. I have an erection and I can’t do anything with it.”
“In your reading, did you ever see the words ‘self-gratification’?”
Greg and Little Greg perked up. “No…”
“There is nowhere in this document that says an operative can’t pleasure themself with their own hand and a little imagination.”
Greg threw his cigarette down. “DAMN! I didn’t even think of that!”
“That’s how I kept my wits about me in the good ol’ single days. Haven’t had a chance to need it for this yet. Although, since I had that oyster juice omelet and hash browns for breakfast this morning…”
“It doesn’t matter!” Madeline ranted. “I can’t live on masturbation and imagination alone! This has gone on long enough!”
Moonbeam mumbled, “A whole nineteen hours…”
Madeline tore the document off and to shreds, making the Celibacy Wall no more. “This insanity is over! From now on, the only sex an operative can’t have is the sex that gets in the way of doing their job!”
All present operatives cheered. Greg celebrated by unzipping his pants and mounting Nikita on the table. The wet bar opened up and everyone took a break to party while watching the live sex show. Madeline walked into weapons and a few seconds later could be seen beating Walter off her with the box of herbal Viagra. “You know us! You should have known it would never last!”
Moonbeam was halfway through her strawberry daiquiri when she felt a tug on her low-rise boot-cut jeans. She looked down and found Ms. Jones, no relation, hugging her legs. “Please, Moonbeam. You’ve gotta help me out here! I’ve eaten my last three meals in the cafeteria and, if I secrete anymore, I’m going to be dehydrated!”
Moonbeam looked over at Comm and found Birkoff. “Hey Birkie!” He looked over. “You ever been in a threesome?!” He shook his head. “Log out and meet me in my office!” Moonbeam pulled up Ms. Jones, no relation, and led her away.
Dark Alley in Unknown Location
A figure could be seen standing behind a large rusty dumpster as another figure in a long cloak walked toward it. The cloaked figure said with a dark voice, “Good evening, Mr. Krain.”
The middle-aged balding man looked up at him. “That’s Dr. Krain. I assume you’re the gentleman who called me earlier?”
The dark man nodded.
“And exactly how long were you going to let me stand next to this-this…roach motel? This is quite the unconventional meeting place, don’t you think? Everything is wet, the lighting is atrocious-”
“I have a possible subject for you.”
Dr. Krain was so shocked that he let the interruption go without reprimand. “For my new study?”
“Yes, the multiple personality research project. In my own work I’ve come across an interesting man. His entire identity is a bit dodgy, but only recently has he actually started dressing and acting as his different parts. My employer thought he might be of some use to us but, in light of these recent discoveries, we realize that he’s just some loon. I’m sure he’ll be ideal for you. I’ve read that very few cases of multiple personalities bother with the matching wardrobes.”
Dr. Krain looked at him skeptically. “And who exactly is your employer? How is it that you discovered this man?”
Dramatic pause. “If I told you that, doctor, you wouldn’t be able to conduct your research. Any research at all, for that matter.” He handed Dr. Krain a disk and slipped back into the night.