LFR #18: Found

La Femme Rayonlune: Found
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001

Rated R
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Section’s communication systems has crashed and operatives can only communicate with each other via email.
Note: This section originally had graphics, but most have been lost over time.  I have substituted with ASCII and emoticons where possible.

Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.


From: dabigcheese@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER? THE DATE IS JANUARY 1, 1000002. IS THAT EVEN A REAL DATE?

OPERATIONS

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Sorry, sir, we’re having technical errors throughout Section’s computer system. It appears that all of them have been affected by an unknown source. It’s also crippled our communication system. Radio, telephone, everything. The only way we’re able to communicate is through email. We’re looking into it.

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Oooh! I know! I know! But I want out of abeyance for telling.

69greg69

***

From: idonotlikehelloktty@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

The information could be vital to Section resources, so it is your duty as an operative to inform us. If you want out of abeyance, we’ll discuss it after you tell us what happened.

Madeline

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh no. Not this time. You pulled that same bullshit on me in season two of the real show (remember “Fuzzy Logic,” Mads?), and I’m not falling for it again! Besides, once I tell you who did it, you’ll have someone else to take my place on your shit list.

69greg69

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: hey now

hey now we’re all adults here lets handle this like adults 😉 why dont you just tell us who did it greg so madalin and operashuns wont cancell us all because i dont want to be cancelled i need to be layed first 😉 😉

xoxo nikita

***

From: doyouswallow@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: hey now

You need to be laid? Well, don’t look any further, I’m your man!

Jason the grrrrrrreatest lover of all time

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: hey now

Could someone teach Blondie how to use the spell checker please?

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Whoa, dudes, where’d all this email come from?

And Jason, what are you? Friggin’ Tigger? Don’t abuse Disney characters freakazoid!

– Moonie Moonbeam

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: i kin spell

hey guys dont make fun of me i kin spell just fine and the spell checker doesnt correct names if im so dum how come i no that huh 😛

xoxo nikita

***

From: teenieweenie@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: i kin spell

Nikita,

It is imperative that you learn how to spell or stop using email. Your fourth grade education is getting in the way of Section business. It cannot and will not be tolerated.

Amicalement,
Michael

***

From: dabigcheese@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject:

WHO FUCKED UP MY COMPUTER?????

OPERATIONS

***

From: exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re:

Jason did it.

((Quinn))

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re:

It was Jason.

69greg69

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re:

Jason

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: doyouswallow@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re:

But it was all Nikita’s fault!

Jason the grrrrrrrreatest lover of all time

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: dont blame me

dont blame me jason your as much to blame as me now operashuns and madalin no and they will cancell us! 😦

xoxo nikita

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Computer malfunction

Uh, sir, I think I just figured out the problem. There’s an entire system over in the corner, covered in a sticky white goo…

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Computer malfunction

You’d better say it’s chewing gum. Or shampoo. Or glue.

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Computer malfunction

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

((Quinn))

***

From: idonotlikehelloktty@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Computer malfunction

Birkoff, are you suggesting that your brother ejaculated all over one of our systems?

Madeline

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Computer malfunction

Do I still have to claim him as family?

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: huh

whats ejaculate

xoxo nikita

***

From: teenieweenie@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: huh

Nikita,

He blew his load.

Amicalement,
Michael

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: got it

ohhhhh ok thanks mikol i get it now

xoxo nikita

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: got it

Bitch, he just spelled his name out right there and you didn’t get it! What the hell?!?!?!?!?

– the purplest with the mostest

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: ok

i think we have more importent issues moonbeem like why the systems dont work after jasin cummed all over them

xoxo nikita

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: education?

Madeline-
Weren’t operatives supposed to have *some* education before getting past training? I thought they had to have some before even coming to Section…

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: education?

heh, you said “coming.” I think that was the problem all along for Jason…

69greg69

***

From: doyouswallow@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ok

It’s all your fault, Nikita! If you had swallowed, it wouldn’t have gotten into the hard drive!

Jason the grrrrrrrreatest lover of all time

***

From: exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ok

I say again: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

((Quinn))

***

From: idonotlikehellokitty@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Education/Oral Sex

To Ms Jones, no relation:

It’s true that our operatives are required to have some education to enter our organization. However, the false accusation of a hideous crime is what brought Nikita to us in the first place, obviously not her intelligence.

To everyone:

Oral sex is not permitted at or on our computer systems from this point forward. Anyone caught doing so will be cancelled.

Madeline

***

From: dabigcheese@sectionone.gov
To: idonotlikehellokitty@sectionone.gov
Subject: Um…

Does the rule about oral sex apply to us, my sweet suppresses-her-gag-reflex snuggle bunny?

Paul

***

From: idonotlikehellokitty@sectionone.gov
To: dabigcheese@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Um….

Of course not, my king-of-the-tongue-muscles love muffin.

Maddy

***

From: dabigcheese@sectionone.gov
To: idonotlikehellokitty@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Um…

*growl* So, uh… what are you wearing?

Paul

***

From: idonotlikehellokitty@sectionone.gov
To: dabigcheese@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Um….

Nothing but a smile. You’d better get your ass to my office while I’m still smiling.

Maddy

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: wanna fuck?

Hey, Nikita, I don’t mind if a girl spits, as long as she sucks me off. Wanna get together later and have a go?

69greg69

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: wanna fuck?

Oh shit; did I just send that message to everybody?

69greg69

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: wanna fuck?

Hey, dumbass, you work in Comm, right? Maybe you should’ve figured that out by looking at the “To:” line. Dipshit.

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: wanna fuck?

Computer expert, my ass…

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Jason, I hate you.

I am so grossed out now. Not only did Jason’s ‘love juice’ get all over the hard drive, it leaked onto the motherboard. I’m going to have to order tons of replacement hardware. This problem isn’t going to go away for a long time, until I can get all the parts and rewrite everything.

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Jason, I hate you.

he he he, you sexy motherboarder

69greg69

***

From: dramaqueenspygirl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject:

aljkljlujk;u90sf098fds9sdoujuiloeilojjeej jhyereyljjhy y ueoui7yukjf7uyeuil0987as9euwi

xoxo nikita

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re:

You wanna clarify that, Nikita?

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re:

I don’t know what she’s doing, but she’s in the next room and she’s playing that Britney Spears song “I’m a Slave 4 U” really loud and it’s getting really annoying.

Greg, when are you going to get off your lazy butt and help me fix this?

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
Subject: Greg

I thought he was avoiding Comm because Quinn won’t have anything to do with him since she went to that school?

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Greg

Yeah, but Mads told him to with threats of cancellation. Usually that works. Come to think of it, Mads and Ops have been pretty quiet lately. That always worries me.

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Greg

I just walked through that room to get some canned air! Don’t go into the room next to you and don’t expect Greg to show up!

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Greg

Why?

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: Greg

He’s screwing Nikita right on the keyboard. Be thankful for the music to drown them out.

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
Subject: What the hell are you doing?

Will you stop banging your head into the keyboard? I can here you all the way on the other side of Section! Whatever it is, it isn’t that bad!

– Moonbeam

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: nikita is offline

hey, peeps, I was just over at nikita’s panel and I guess this comp problem got over there too cause now her panel doesn’t work. you wanna get on that, brainiac birkoff?

69greg69

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: nikita is offline

Do you wanna kiss my ass? I know why it isn’t working now, moron. You two crushed the keyboard!

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: doyouswallow@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: mypenis

heheh, did anyone else notice Ops’ little name for this list? mypenis!

Jason the grrrrrrrrrrrrrreatest lover of all time

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: mypenis

That’s mypeons, not mypenis. You’re as bad as Nikita.

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: mypenis

heh, and she’s sure been a bad girl. bad bad girl. naughty.

69greg69

***

From: doyouswallow@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: hey Walter…

……………………./´¯/)
………………….,/¯..//
…………………/…./ /
…………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`·¸
………./’/…/…./……./¨¯\
……..(‘(…´(..´……,~/’…’)
………\……………..\/…./
……….”…\………. _.·´
…………\…………..(
…………..\………….\

Jason the grrrrrrrrrreatest lover of all time

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: oooh baby!

Hey, since Mads and Ops went AWOL, I hacked into her email and then into her A camera. Snuggle Bunny and Love Muffin are putting on a show of their own. Oooh, nice rack, Madeline.

69greg69

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: oooh baby!

WTF???

– Moonbeam

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: oooh baby!

You know, Moonbeam, she’s got great tits! Surely you’d recognize a set of great tits when you saw them, being the Section lesbian and all…

69greg69

***

From: exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: ???

Did someone just hear a gunshot?

((Quinn))

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

Is this Section? Ask a stupid question…

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

Don’t you worry about that little noise, sugar. I just went over to Jason’s place real quick to teach him a little lesson. No one flips off Walter.

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

Cool! What did you do?

– Moonbeam

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

Just took a little chunk out of his ear. Should shut him up for a while, and now we can tell the twins apart.

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

Walter, did I ever tell you how much I love you?

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

De nada, amiga. 😉

*pow* Walter *pow*

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

*cough*slut*cough*

– Moonbeam

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: ???

Moonbeam, you don’t want to go there right now. I’m up to my eyes in Jason’s ‘love nectar’. Of all my emergency computer repair experience, this has *got* to be the worst…

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: hey nikita

hey, does anyone know where Nikita is? Watching these two go at it is getting me hot…

69greg69

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: hey nikita

Why don’t you get down to Comm before I have someone drag you down here and help us out? That’s not a request or suggestion; it’s a command.

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: hey nikita

Greg, you want to come down here.

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin
From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: hey nikita

Give me a good reason!!

69greg69

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: hey nikita

I was recovering information off the damaged hardware and found Jason’s porn collection. Sweet Jesus…

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to ilove69@sectionone.gov–

Whoa, hey there stud! I’m away from my computer for an extended period of time, so be patient for my reply!

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to ilove69@sectionone.gov–

69greg69

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: New findings

Um, Moonbeam…when did you do porn?

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: New findings

That boy’s ass is grass. I’m going to do more than clip his ear.

– Moonbeam

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: New findings

Shit, Moonbeam! We’re watching one right now, and you can’t tell me that what I did is ANY worse than this!

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: New findings

I was broke! It was San Francisco! And I thought Madeline erased all that from existence…

– Moonbeam

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Re: New findings

My god you were flexible back then…

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: teenieweenie@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Suggestion

To everyone,

You do realize that Madeline and Operations will be receiving copies of each of your emails, which they will undoubtedly read when they find the time? I suggest returning to work, since the other option is cancellation, and we haven’t had a mission for a while.

Amicalement,
Michael

***

From: pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov–

You’ve reached Moonbeam’s email. I’m either:

A. dyeing my hair
B. kicking some ass
C. hitting on a woman

Pick one and try back later!

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to pixiegalaxydust@sectionone.gov–

– Moonbeam

***

From: msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov–

I’m either hacking a computer to save the world or getting another peanut butter sandwich. Don’t hold your breath waiting for my response!

Estoy hacking una computadora para ayudar el mundo o obteniendo un sandwich de peanut butter. No hold su breath por esperando para mi response! (I’m only half-Spanish, give me a break!)

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to msjonesnorelation@sectionone.gov–

–Ms Jones, no relation–

***

From: ilove69@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to ilove69@sectionone.gov–

Whoa, hey there stud! I’m away from my computer for an extended period of time, so be patient for my reply!

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to ilove69@sectionone.gov–

69greg69

***

From: exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov–

Many apologies for my absence. I’m unfortunately away from my computer for an extended period of time. Please be patient for my response. God bless.

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to exspicegrrl@sectionone.gov–

((Quinn))

***

From: laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov–

I’m probably gaming at one of the following locations: Battlegrounds, Games ‘R Us, Café des Jeux, or Café de Jugador. Can’t find me there? Check the phone book under arcades, cyber cafes, entertainment, or games. If you’re online, look me up on UIM (Universal Instant Messenger). I’m laracroftsstud, birkytheman, seymourbirkoff, ihatemytwin, sysadminboy, techrambo, or techhead. See ya in cyberspace!

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to laracroftsstud@sectionone.gov–

Seymour Birkoff,
sys/admin

***

From: biggunz@sectionone.gov
To: mypeons@list.sectionone.gov
Subject: Vacation Response

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to biggunz@sectionone.gov–

Hey, Sugar, I’m on vacation right getting some sol, but don’t you worry. I’ll be back before you know it. Groove on.

–This is an automated response to an email you’ve sent to biggunz@sectionone.gov–

*pow* Walter *pow*

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