La Femme Rayonlune: Forgotten
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: While Moonbeam and Nikita are attacked by Swiss cheese, Madeline sends everyone to self-help classes…
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.
Section One: Briefing Table
Now sporting a cowboy hat, Operations grabbed the remote and pressed numerous buttons until a blue screen popped up. “As you are well aware, Glass Curtain has pissed me off. Therefore, Moonbeam, you’ll be leading a team to their headquarters. Bring back their acting leader and a bottle of Magic Eagle Grey.”
“Majestic,” she corrected.
“I DON’T CARE! I want my hair back to normal, or there will be hell to pay, do you understand me?”
“There are other hair dye companies,” Moonbeam continued. “Glass Curtain is too stupid to realize that. We can change it back in no time.”
“I’ve had enough of your crap! Put together a team and get going!” Nobody moved. “NOW!!!”
Everyone scrambled from the table, except Madeline, who got up and stood beside him. “Paul, I think you overreacted a bit at the briefing.”
“Overreacted? Have you seen my hair, Madeline? Have you?”
“No,” she said quietly. He yanked the hat off his head, revealing an even nastier ass color than before. She raised her eyebrow slightly. “Bold Blue is right…”
“I can’t tolerate this!” he yelled, the force of his breath making her hair fly backwards. “The leader of the world cannot be seen with blue hair!”
“You didn’t have to yell at Moonbeam. She’s the only level five operative we have until Michael grows up.”
“Then boost recruitment!” He started to stomp in the direction of the Perch but stopped and faced her again. “And one other thing.” He pulled the Hello Kitty sex toy from his jacket. “What the hell is this for? Aren’t I good enough for you? I’m the most powerful man in the world, Madeline, and you’re choosing a vibrating cat face over me?!?”
She jerked her head back in shock. “I’m sorry if Glass Curtain is undermining your credibility, but I am your ally, not your enemy.”
“You’re neither. You obey me and will continue to do so until I’m done with you.” He tossed the vibrator into the crocodile pit with a smug expression on his face. “Now I’m done with you. Get out of here!”
She watched him storm off and picked up her cell phone, dialing a number. “Hello, Henry? I have someone to enroll in your class.”
Section One: Van Access
Moonbeam groaned, waiting for Nikita. The blonde was the only woman available for a mission, so it was just the two of them. “Hurry up!”
Nikita raced down the hallway. “I’m coming!” She ran into the elevator with Moonbeam. “Sorry, Michael wanted a quickie before the mission.”
“So you’re back with Spy Boy, huh?”
“I guess. He’s really good in bed.”
Moonbeam’s mind returned to the scenes she saw on the surveillance videotape, and she shuddered. “I’m sure he’s great.”
“So we’re the only two going on the mission?”
“Yep. Everyone else is unavailable. Madeline told me that she’s signing everyone up for some training classes or something, and that we’re the only ones who don’t need any.” She shrugged. “Besides, we’re going up against Glass Curtain, the pansy terrorist group. It shouldn’t be a problem.”
Section Sensitivity Training Session
“Why am I here?”
Madeline ushered Operations into the half-full room and pushed him into a chair. “Because you’ve become a hard ass.”
“I was already a hard ass.”
“True. Nonetheless…you need some sensitivity training.” She smiled at the Torture Twins as they walked into the room. “And here are your instructors.”
“Is this a joke? Henry and Elizabeth are going to teach me how to be sensitive?” He snorted, glaring at his classmates as they poured into the room. “This is ridiculous…”
“If you don’t, I’ll find someone else with incredible tongue muscles.”
“So? I can find someone else, too!”
“Oh really? Do you know any other women who can suppress their gag reflex?”
That got his attention. “You have a point.” He grunted. “Fine. I’ll take this stupid class if you go to the room across the hall and take that class.”
She looked at the sign on the door: Hello Kitty Anonymous. “I told you; I’m not an addict.”
“Like hell you aren’t! Yesterday, I went to your Section apartment; you’ve wallpapered the room with Hello Kitty. I looked through your closet; you have pajamas, t-shirts, and matching bra and underwear sets of Hello Kitty. Not to mention the vibrator.”
She frowned at him. “I’m not obsessed.”
“I saw the sketch of the flag that you made for your global empire. It has the face of that stupid cat on it, front and center!!”
She stiffened. “All right! So maybe I’m getting a bit carried away.”
“Then go across the hall and get un-carried away.”
“Uh, hi, my name’s…um…oh yeah, my name’s Birkoff, and I’m an alcoholic…”
“Hi, I’m Kate Quinn, and I’m addicted to the Spice Girls.”
“Welcome to the Men Who Love Women Who Love Other Men support group.” The instructor grinned. “Let’s go around and introduce ourselves.”
“Uh, I’m Greg. Greg Hillinger. I love Kate Quinn, but she’s *sob* sleeping with that evil twin Jason Crawford!”
“Hi, I’m Jason, and I’m a sex-a-holic.”
The room, composed entirely of former frat boys, erupted in applause.
“My name is Madeline, and I am addicted to the wonderfully adorable Sanrio creation that is Hello Kitty.”
“You know who the hell I am, why are you asking me this question?”
“So everyone who doesn’t know who you are can meet you,” Henry answered.
Operations growled. “I’m Operations, the ruler of the world, and my girlfriend threatened to withhold sex from me unless I took this dumb course.”
Glass Curtain’s New and Improved Headquarters
“This is kinda spooky,” Nikita noted, gesturing to the dark and foreboding castle with the monster-infested moat that surrounded it. “Are you sure this is the right place?”
“Says so on the map,” Moonbeam replied, pointing. “Right here, ‘Glass Curtain Headquarters.’ This is definitely the place.”
Nikita withdrew her gun. “Then let’s go.”
“Hey, I’m the team leader. I call the shots around here.” She paused. “Let’s go.”
Slowly they crept through the massive forest of cattails and approached the drawbridge. It was down. Shrugging, they crossed it and entered the castle. They quietly searched the castle, room by room, but there was no one there.
“Hello?” Moonbeam called out. “Glass Curtain rejects? We’re here to kick your asses.”
“Come out, you cowards!” Nikita yelled, her voice echoing through the room. The walls began to shake, and a metal cage fell from the ceiling, trapping Moonbeam and Nikita beneath it.
“Now you’ve done it!” Moonbeam sighed. “Crap.” She pulled out her purple cellular phone and dialed the number to Section. “Hey, Lupe?…Yeah, I enjoyed last night, too. Hey listen, Nikita and I are at Glass Curtain’s headquarters and we’re trapped inside this cell. Could you send someone to bail us out please?…Okay, thanks.”
Nikita pulled her knees up to her chest. “How long?”
“Fifteen minutes.” She looked through the bars to examine their surroundings. “Hey, where are we?”
“I don’t know. It looks like a science lab.” She pointed at something in the distance. “Is that a video camera?”
“Is it recording?”
Moonbeam noticed the blinking red light. “Yes.”
The television above the camera came to life. “Greetings,” came the man on the screen. “I am Bill Shagger, the current head of Glass Curtain since you are still holding Errol Sparks hostage. I assume Operations is angry about the hair dye mix-up and sent you to enact his revenge. Well, too bad! I’m not even there, so ha! And now you will die a horrible death!” The transmission ended, and Moonbeam and Nikita looked at each other curiously.
“Well, let’s see… I started drinking because this chick with big hooters gave me a lot of wine coolers… Now I’m addicted to girlie drinks.”
“Well, I used to dress up as Baby Spice, but I think I’m more of a Ginger Spice, you know?”
“And now it’s this cast! I’ve had an erection for the past twenty-four hours, and I can’t do anything to fix it because my woman is sleeping with another guy!”
“And sex is great!” Wild applause. “And I don’t care who I sleep with, as long as I get laid!” Whoops and whistles. “Yeah, I’m the king of the world!”
“But how can you not like that cute little kitty?”
“But I’m their leader! I own them! I control their lives! I don’t have to care about their feelings!”
Glass Curtain’s New and Improved Headquarters
Moonbeam looked at her watch. “Shouldn’t they be here by now?”
Nikita sighed. “Maybe they’re still in those training sessions you mentioned.”
“Oh, yeah. I just want to get out of here before Bill whats-his-name decides to go through with killing us.”
Suddenly, their cage lifted, and they found themselves free. Nikita frowned. “Gee, that was some horrible death.”
One of the walls slid aside, and something started toward them. Moonbeam’s eyes widened. “What is that?”
“It looks like…” Nikita backed up in fear. “It looks like a giant piece of…”
“So, uh… If I stop drinking these girlie drinks…I won’t be an alcoholic anymore? Whoa, dude, what a concept!”
“But I can’t give up my Spice Girl role-playing; I make over five thousand bucks a month by posting pictures on my website!”
“I don’t want to dump Quinn! She’s easy!”
“But do you really love her?” someone asked.
“Of course I do! She gives good head!”
“No! We will never surrender! We are the kings of sex! No women can resist us!”
“Yeah!” the class cheered.
“Forget this stupid meeting–let’s go out and get laid!”
All the men in the sex-a-holic meeting hoisted Jason onto their shoulders and carried him out of the room.
The Hello Kitty images whizzed by on the screen, interjected with subliminal messages saying how Hello Kitty was juvenile and stupid. “Kitty…lives in London…weighs as much as three apples…” Madeline’s voice grew weaker. “…likes tea parties, cute little things…I hate cute little things. I hate…Hello Kitty…”
“NO, DAMMIT, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I AM OPERATIONS! YOU OBEY ME!”
Glass Curtain Headquarters
As the giant piece of Swiss cheese waddled toward them, Nikita fired her entire clip into it. Moonbeam grabbed her arm. “What are you doing? It’s Swiss cheese! It already has holes in it! More aren’t going to do any good.”
“Then what do we do?”
“We’ve got to find a way out of here!” She started pushing walls, flipping switches, pressing buttons, and turning doorknobs. Nothing worked. They were trapped. She and Nikita hovered into a corner as the piece of cheese increased in size, preventing further escape.
“We’re going to die,” Nikita whispered quietly, a tear slipping down her cheek. “We’re going to be consumed by those holes.”
“It’s okay. Section will save us.”
Nikita wrapped her arms around Moonbeam. “I’m scared.”
“Nikita…” Moonbeam sighed and looked deep into her eyes. “There–there’s something I want to tell you, something I’ve always wanted to say but never had the courage.”
Nikita looked deeply into Moonbeam’s eyes. “What is it?”
“I hate you.”
“I’ll start following those twelve steps right away.” Birkoff received his completion certificate and grinned. “This is cool. Okay, see you later!” He started walking out of the room but tripped on his shoelaces and fell flat on his face.
Quinn picked up the piece of chalk. “Okay, here’s the address. http, colon, backslash, backslash, www dot quinn the spice girl dot com.” She grinned broadly as the class began scribbling her domain on a piece of paper. “The charge to your credit account is a mere twenty dollars, but if you want to see live video feeds, the price increases to fifty. However, if you want to see me perform in the Spice Girls Across the World tour, the price is…”
Hillinger glared at the rest of the class as they received their completion certificates. The instructor approached him. “Until you realize that you love Quinn and aren’t using her for sex, or until you break up with Quinn and find someone you do love, you won’t get a certificate. You failed.”
The note outside the door read, “We’ve gone to the strip club to get laid. Sex rules!”
Madeline smiled at her certificate with the formerly cute Hello Kitty in the center and an international ‘no’ symbol printed across her image. “Thank you. This has been a liberating experience.”
“No, you can’t fail me! I own you! Give me the damn certificate, or I’ll put you in abeyance!”
Elizabeth gripped her marker, backing away from Operations. He vaulted over the desk and snatched it from her, scribbling his name in the blank on the certificate.
He held the paper over his head, laughing maniacally. Then he looked at the Twins. “You made a wise choice. You’ll live, and so will the rest of you–” He glared at his frightened classmates. “–assuming that Madeline never ever finds out the truth.”
Glass Curtain Headquarters
“Okay, this sucks. Where is the rescue team?” Moonbeam looked around, then took her cell phone out and dialed the familiar number.
Section One: Comm
Ms. Jones, no relation, looked up at the ceiling. She lay on a desk, the computer now on the floor, still spread eagle. She couldn’t seem to stop slowly orgasmically laughing. A plethora of beer cans and bottles were all over the room. Another female operative smoked a cigarette in the corner. On the glass in the background could be seen spray-painted graffiti saying “SEX RULES!!!” Ms. Jones, no relation, could hear something ringing far away but decided she didn’t need to really worry about it.
Glass Curtain Headquarters
“Okay, she’s not answering her phone now.” Moonbeam put her cell phone away and looked around furiously as Nikita clung to her shirt. “Let go of me.”
Nikita held on tighter. “Ooh, I hate cheese.” She looked by her feet and screeched. “Oh, God! Mice! I hate those things, too!”
“Uh, okay, I saw ‘War,’ and it’s rats you hate, not mice.”
“But that gives me an idea.” She picked up one of the furry creatures and flung it at the cheese. “Take that!”
“What are you doing?” Nikita exclaimed, dancing around the tiny creatures that scurried across the floor.
“Mice love cheese! Maybe these things–” She tossed a few more. “–will eat the cheese, and we’ll be safe!”
“Moonbeam, you’re a genius!” Nikita tapped the mice with her feet, kicking them in the direction of the monstrous cheese. “Go over there!”
“Owwww! No, stop, please!”
Moonbeam frowned and looked at Nikita. “Did you say something?”
The smothered voice returned, louder this time. “Help me, please!”
Nikita pointed at the cheese. “I think it’s trying to communicate with us!”
Moonbeam walked around the cheese and noticed a zipper on the back. She yanked it down, and a whiny little man fell out. Inside the cheese was a large control panel and a joystick. “This thing is a robot?” She pulled the man to his feet. “Who are you?”
“Please, I’m just a lackey. Don’t hurt me. Bill Shagger told me to put on the cheese costume and smother you with it.”
“Oh really?” She smacked him upside the head. “You idiot! Come on, we’re going back to Section. Nikita!”
Section One: Medical
Moonbeam glared at the doctor. “I know it doesn’t help to pull someone’s hair like that, but I didn’t expect it to come out like that! Remember when I brought in all those guys from Moscow? Their hair stayed in just fine!”
As the doctor wrote something down, Moonbeam glanced behind her. She saw a familiar face in a break in the curtain.
The curtain pulled open and Ms. Jones, no relation, looked up. Moonbeam stared at her. Ms. Jones, no relation, held an ice pack between her legs. “Moonbeam!”
“Lupe! Where were you?”
“Oh, yeah, I know there was something I was forgetting…”
“I tried calling you again but you didn’t even answer!”
“You’re the one that called!”
“Well, I sort of got distracted…”
Moonbeam raised an eyebrow.
“See, Jason’s class let out a little early, and then they came through comm so he could get his wallet because they were going to a strip club, but then he had problems finding it, and those guys were getting impatient, so then one thing led to another and…now…” Ms. Jones, no relation, was at near orgasm just at the thought. “I never knew you could do that with a cell phone…”
Moonbeam’s eyes widened. She didn’t need any further explanation; her mind was in the gutter all of the time. She threw the curtain shut and stormed away.
Section One: Operative Apartment #407
Michael showed up from the bathroom door, carrying the long string of ammunition awkwardly. “Uh, hi.”
Nikita giggled and ran over to him, launching herself into his arms. “Hi, there.”
He pouted. “This is so stupid.”
“Just do it! Now, say your name is Jurgen.”
“Just do it!”
He sighed and replied in a monotone voice, “Hi, my name is Jurgen.”
Nikita smiled wickedly. “And now we can have a little fun.”
Michael smiled and buried her in a thousand tongue-plunging kisses.
Section One: The Perch
Operations leaned forward in his antique Victorian armchair and stared at Moonbeam as she tried to finish her mission debrief while keeping calm. “So you mean to tell me that a giant piece of Swiss cheese held you hostage?”
“The cheese was actually a robot created by Glass Curtain and implemented by the weenie guy we have in Containment.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “You wouldn’t be lying to me, would you, Moonbeam?”
“Is the Bold Blue hair dye bleeding into your brain? Of course not!”
“Speaking of Bold Blue, did you happen to find any Magic Eagle Grey or were you too busy running from the cheese?”
“Majestic Eagle Grey and here.” She threw three bottles at him. “Have at it.”
He threw them back at her, glaring angrily. “You have to do it. I know nothing about this kind of thing.”
“Tell me again why Madeline is willing to put up with your crap,” she sighed, sliding on a pair of latex gloves.
“Because I passed my sensitivity training course.”
She glanced at the certificate on the wall. “That looks oddly like your handwriting.”
He turned to her, a serious expression on his face. “If you say anything to her, anything at all, being smothered by Swiss cheese will seem like a wonderful way to die.”