La Femme Rayonlune: Checkmate
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Operations attempts to get his hair back to a normal color and Birkoff loses his legs.
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.
“Birkoff!” No answer. “Birkoff!!!” Still no answer. “Yoo hoo, Birkoff!” Operations frowned, looking out the Perch windows. The computer technician was at his station; why wasn’t he answering his comm unit? “BIRKOFF!”
Birkoff sat up quickly, accidentally tipping over a plastic cup half-filled with an unknown liquid. He glanced around as Operations called for him once more. “Whoa, is that who I think it is? God? God, are you there?”
“BIRKOFF, PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON!”
“Oh!” He tapped the blinking key. “Hello, God, is that you?”
“Moonbeam! Level five, purple-hair…you live in her apartment…”
Operations sighed. “When you see her, send her up to the Perch.”
Birkoff looked at the darkened windows. “Um, okay.” He finished off his ninth wine cooler and belched loudly. He tried to stand but immediately fell back in his chair. Then he gazed into his lap and started screaming. “OH MY GOD!!!”
Nameless Operative #54 rushed over to him, dodging the numerous empty bottles. “Birkoff, what’s the matter?”
“My legs! Oh, God, where are my legs?!?”
“Your…legs?” he asked, frowning.
“They’re–they’re gone! I think they got up when I was talking to God and ran away. Could you find them for me?”
“I think you’ve had a little too much to drink, Birkoff…”
“I need my legs! Oh, hurry!”
Moonbeam appeared, whistling cheerfully until she noticed Birkoff’s frantic screaming. “Birky, what’s wrong?” She spotted the empty beverage containers and took a breath of the air around him. “You’re drunk!”
“I’m legless!” He began to sob, falling to the ground and crawling around. “My legs ran away!”
She turned to Nameless Operative #54. “Take him to Medical.”
“Moonbeam!” came Operations’ voice.
She gazed up at the Perch with a sigh. “Coming…” When she arrived, Operations was sitting in his recliner, wearing a sombrero. “Yeah?”
“I need your help.”
“Okay, sure. Uh, what’s up with the hat? Going to a fiesta?” He pulled the hat off, and she winced. “Ohh, I’m having really awful season three flashbacks…”
“I dyed it for ‘Wheel of Abeyance,’ and I can’t get it back to the regular color.”
She continued to stare at him, chuckling slightly. “You look like a light bulb.”
“Okay, all right! Lupe’s at my house now; I’ll have her bring some of my stuff on her way in.”
Operations put the sombrero back on his head. “Thank you. There’s a briefing in an hour; I want my hair back to normal by then.”
“What ev. Hey, where’s Madeline? She got something in the mail today.”
“In her office. It’s National Chess Day.”
“What does that mean?”
He sighed. “It means no sex for me…”
Shaking her head, she walked away.
Section One: Operative Apartment #407
Nikita lay lazily on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Michael watched her carefully, mostly looking at her breasts. “Hey, babe, what are you thinking about?”
She sighed. “The Sadness of Sex.”
Michael chuckled. “I wasn’t that bad, was I?” She didn’t answer, playing with her hair. “Well, I’m still, uh…up to the occasion, if you know what I mean.” She didn’t move, and he frowned. Usually, she would just jump him. “Well, what are you waiting for?”
“Waiting for Michaelangelo.”
“L’Homme Idéal,” she replied dreamily.
“A Girl Thing.” With that, she started collecting her clothes from the floor and putting them on.
“Wait, where are you going? Little Mikey is still ready for action, babe!”
“Loser,” she muttered, leaving his room.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Moonbeam frowned slightly as she walked into the office. Since people kept destroying Madeline’s door, the woman had strung beads across the entryway. Inside, the bonsai trees went ignored as Madeline sat in her chair, a chess set on her desk and a game in progress on her computer.
“Madeline, you got this package today. It arrived Global Express, so it must be important.”
“Thank you, Moonbeam, just put it down.” She slapped the clock on the desk and turned to her monitor. After making her move with that game, she pulled out her palm pilot and apparently did the same thing.
“What the hell is going on?”
“It’s National Chess Day.”
“Yes, Operations told me that much.” She shook the package tauntingly. “Are you sure you don’t want to open this? It could be that set of Ginsu knives I saw on your credit card bill.”
“I’m much too busy right now. Go ahead, if you’re so curious as to its contents.”
Shrugging, Moonbeam settled in the chair and mercilessly ripped open the package. She pulled out the well-insulated object and shook her head. “A Hello Kitty vibrator? Okay, two things: one, I went to all the trouble to teach Operations the proper way to perform cunnilingus, and you’re buying a vibrator?”
“Sometimes, he gets tired. Other times, he’s unavailable. Having a stable relationship doesn’t mean abandoning masturbation entirely.”
“And two…don’t you think this Hello Kitty obsession has gone TOO FAR?”
“It’s not an obsession.” She continued her chess games, unfazed by Moonbeam’s chastising. “Is there anything else?”
“No, not really. Just wanted to bring you your…package. Damn, and I thought it was going to be something I could borrow.” She stood. “There’s a briefing in an hour. Will you be there?”
“Not unless I am left alone long enough to finish my chess games…”
Sighing, Moonbeam left Madeline’s office, bumping into Nikita on her way out. “Oh, sorry, Nikita.”
She jumped. “Mercy!” After catching her breath, she continued her journey.
“Mercy?” Moonbeam shook her head in confusion.
Section One: Comm
Hillinger sat at the computer, typing his manifesto and wincing every time he moved. Madeline’s torture on Wheel of Abeyance left him in a diaper cast, and because of it, Quinn was having sex with Jason. He could hear them as he worked, and he was becoming increasingly irritated. What good was he if he couldn’t get laid?
He had sent Nikita to get him some food since he wasn’t able to do much walking. He wished she’d hurry up; he was starving.
“Finally!” Hillinger rubbed his fork and knife together in anticipation. “What’d you bring me?”
“Ginger Snaps,” Nikita answered simply.
He looked at the box. “These aren’t ginger snaps, stupid; these are chocolate chip cookies.”
She shrugged. “Bailey’s Mistake,” she called out, skipping off in the other direction.
“Psycho…” he muttered, shoving a few cookies into his mouth and continuing his work.
Section One: Hallway
Nikita approached the horizontal couple and watched them. Quinn was in the middle of orgasm, her face scrunched together. Jason looked positively blissful.
“Eyes Wide Shut?” Nikita asked.
The couple looked at her, frowning. Jason spoke. “What?”
“I Love a Man in Uniform,” she smiled, bouncing up and down slightly.
“I’m, uh, not wearing any uniform.”
Quinn glanced at him. “Maybe she means your lack of clothing.”
Nikita giggled. “Love, Lust, and Joy!” Then she skipped off again.
Section One: The Perch
Operations wrapped the shower cap around his head and sighed. “Are you sure this will work?”
Moonbeam shrugged. “I dunno, but it’s the only chance we’ve got to change your crappy hair back to normal.”
“Well, anything’s better than the color I have now.”
Nikita entered the Perch, folding her hands behind her back. “Intruder.”
Operations desperately searched for his sombrero. “Never come up here uninvited!”
“No Way Out.”
“Of course there’s a way out,” he scolded angrily. “The same way you came in!”
“Stepping Out,” Nikita relented, backing up and running out of the office.
Moonbeam pointed in her direction. “Doesn’t that strike you as odd?”
“It’s like she’s speaking in metaphors or something.”
He shrugged. “She’s a blonde. Deal with it.”
Section One: Munitions
Walter saw Nikita heading his way and smiled. “Hey, sugar.”
She grinned at him. “Mr. Music…”
He chuckled. “Oh, stop it, you’re making me blush. I haven’t sang in a long time. But I’ll tell you what. I’ll sing something if you tell me what to sing.”
She tilted her head to the side, thinking. “Heavy Metal.”
“Heavy metal, huh? I don’t know too much heavy metal, sugar.”
Walter glanced behind her. “I don’t see Michael trailing behind you. Where did you lose him?”
Nikita rolled her eyes. “Spanking the Monkey.”
“Again? Damn.” Walter grinned at her. “You know, Nikita, you’re not quite as annoying as everyone said you were.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Other Voices?”
“Yeah, like Birkoff…and Moonbeam…and Operations…and Madeline…and, well, damn near every Section operative.”
Her eyes narrowed. “A Vow to Kill…”
“Aww, sugar, don’t be like that!”
“You mean you already have it planned out?” Walter stared at her, wide-eyed.
“Quiet Killer,” she muttered under her breath, eyeing the Perch angrily.
“My Name is Tanino,” she retorted, disappearing into the corridors.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
By now, everyone had crowded in Madeline’s office, complaining about Nikita’s death threats. Operations (still wearing his sombrero) and Moonbeam sat in the vacant chairs. Jason and Quinn were wildly humping against the wall. Walter, Michael, and a very hung-over Birkoff stood in a corner.
“So what are we going to do?” Walter wondered aloud. “She said she had a vow to kill, and that she’s changing her name to Tanino!”
“It doesn’t make any sense, though,” Moonbeam declared. “Nikita’s current behavior isn’t consistent with her file, nor is her choice of language.”
“True, but we’ve never been witness to a processing wearing off before,” Operations pointed out, noticing Madeline’s opened UPS box. He picked it up, hoping it was that rare vinyl Air Supply album he had ordered with her credit card. A blatant look of shock appeared on his face as he removed the vibrator and gaped at it.
“It could be related,” Madeline agreed, furiously completing plays in her multiple chess games. “I’d have to see her myself to be certain.”
As if on cue, Nikita burst through the beaded doorway, dragging a screaming Hillinger behind her and shouting, “Johnny!” She tossed the sniveling computer programmer on the floor and struggled to catch her breath. She turned her wrath to Madeline. “Tart!”
Quinn, the only British bimbo in the room, perked up. “Did you just call Madeline a tart?”
“A Child is Missing!” Nikita sulked, plopping onto Operations’ lap and tossing the Hello Kitty vibrator aside. She looked at the man, pulled off his hat, and began to stroke his nasty ass hair. Everyone chuckled at it. “While My Pretty One Sleeps…”
Operations leaned back in fear, momentarily forgetting about his sombrero. “Madeline, what is she doing?”
Suddenly, Nikita jumped up and walked over to Birkoff, who sat with an ice pack on his head. “The English Patient?”
The man shook his head, groaning at the slight movements. “No, I’m Canadian.”
Shrugging, she turned to Michael, smiling. “Dark Eyes…” Then she glanced at Madeline. “Destiny to Order.”
Jason, who continued pumping Quinn, frowned and breathlessly asked, “What’s she talkin’ about?”
Nikita looked at them then back at Madeline. “Hackers?”
Madeline nodded, smiling. “One of Our Own.”
Everyone gasped. Moonbeam was the first to speak. “You know what she’s saying?”
Nikita, pleased to finally find someone who understood her, continued her passionate ranting. “After the Harvest, Kane and Abel…Murder in Space. Passengers…Stone Cold Dead. Best Revenge…Irish Eyes are Crying!” Then she began to glare in disgust and anger. “Wild Dogs…”
“Vanishing Point?” Madeline asked.
“Giant Mine,” Nikita answered.
Nodding, Madeline returned her attention to her chess games. “Moonbeam, mobilize a team. You leave in ten minutes.”
Madeline didn’t hear her as the computer beeped. She began to bounce in her chair excitedly. “Ha! Checkmate, you rat bastard…”
“Ahem!” Moonbeam folded her arms across her chest and repeated, “For what?”
“Didn’t you hear a word Nikita said?”
“Sorry, I don’t speak Defiant-Bimbo-Slut-Whose-Gelman-Processing-Wore-Off.”
Sighing at the incompetence of everyone in the room and the fact that her chess games had been repeatedly interrupted–and it was National Chess Day, for God’s sake–Madeline took a breath. “Last night, a child was kidnapped from her bedroom. Then, in an unrelated incident, two Glass Curtain terrorists used surface-to-air missiles to murder the rich passengers on their way to the International Space Station. They disappeared near a coal mine in Canada. Deploy your team to the site and bring back the terrorists.”
Nikita smiled smugly and gazed at Moonbeam, who was frowning. “You got all that from her mindless babbles?”
“They weren’t mindless babbles. Nikita was speaking in code.”
“What the hell kind of code was that?” Operations asked, rescuing the scuffed Hello Kitty vibrator from Madeline’s floor and making a mental note to ask her about it later.
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t you remember? Section created clones of you for distribution among the public! That way, if there are any witnesses to an act committed for Section, it can be blamed on somebody famous, who would most likely get away with it.” They all stared at her. She continued. “All of us–except Moonbeam, whose clone is a famous author living in Haight-Ashbury–are Canadian actors! Whenever Nikita spoke to you, she could only use titles of movies your alter ego has starred in.”
Nikita giggled, clapping. “In Praise of Older Women!”
Madeline bowed her head, smiling at her obvious brilliance. She waited for recognition from everyone else, but they looked as confused as ever. She shook her head sadly. “Other People…”
Moonbeam’s watch beeped and she looked at it. “Okay, Paul-”
He glared at her sharply.
She smiled awkwardly. “I mean, Operations, it’s time to rinse your hair out.”
“Oh, right.” They got up together. “Everyone go read some panels or something.”
Section One: Section Salon
Operations laid back in the chair and stared up at the ceiling contently while holding his head above a sink. Moonbeam peeled off the shower cap and frowned. Operations looked at her. “What?”
“Oh…uh…nothing…the dye just turned an odd color…it’ll wash out.”
Twenty minutes later
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
Moonbeam scrunched her face at Operations from his loud voice. “Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was Bold Blue.”
“But you said that you were dying it some majestic gray!”
“Majestic Eagle Gray, actually. It’s never done this for me before…” Moonbeam looked down at the bottle in her hand. “Oh…that would be why…”
Moonbeam looked up and forced a smile. She held the bottle out. “Glass Curtain says hi.”
Operations grabbed the bottle and read the side. If you ever want to see your hair a normal color again, you must meet all of our demands… He looked at Moonbeam, eyes unblinking. “This…means…war…”