La Femme Rayonlune: Abeyance
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Greg, Quinn, Nikita, and Jason are all up for cancellation on…WHEEL…OF…ABEYANCE!!!
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.
[Operations stands in front of a fake glittering green wall. His hair is back to that hideous bleached white. He’s wearing a shining blue suit, silver shirt, and black tie. He beams an exorcism-like smile into the camera.]
Ops: Hey everyone! Guess what time it is!
[Camera pans over the large studio audience while displaying the words on the screen.]
Audience [yelling]: WHEEL! OF! ABEYANCE!!!
[Operations jumps down from his small stage like the Riddler from “Batman Forever”.]
Ops: That’s right! It’s time to play every operative’s favorite game, Wheel Of Abeyance! Where we take three unlucky souls, who have started to tick us off, and play roulette with their lives! I’m your host, Operations, King of Cancellations! With us as always is my lovely assistant, Madeline!
[Operations motions over toward Madeline. She stands to the side in front of a brand new convertible. She’s wearing Evening Dress #334 from the Vanna White Collection. She smiles sweetly and waves.]
Ops: Now let’s meet our contestants!
[Operations hops over to a silver podium next to a huge wheel laying in front of three smaller podiums. The camera shows each contestant as Operations introduces them.]
Ops: Our first contestant is actually two people, but we decided to put them together since they seem to be permanently joined at the pelvis. Say hi to Quinn and Greg!
[The audience cheers while Quinn straightens her shirt and Greg zips his pants up. They try to fake some smiles.]
Ops: These two have been rumored to be plotting against me and my darling Madeline but have decided to have sex continuously instead of starting any sort of plans. They’re here for even thinking about it and failing at their jobs for spending all their time in a horizontal position. Our second contestant is Nikita!
[Nikita defiantly glares at every member of the audience one by one.]
Ops: We’ve had problems with this five-percenter from the very beginning, which has already gotten her in abeyance a few times but she’s still here! Now, due to a glitch in the Gelman Process, programming her would be a waste of time, so we’re going to try to get rid of her! You can catch her Defiant Look® in stores nation-wide in October! And last and certainly least, one of the newer members to the Section team, Jason!
[Jason smiles and winks at a few female members of the audience.]
Ops: We originally got Jason to replace his twin brother Birkoff when he went on vacation, but we instantly regretted it! Not only did he never get the concept of “We own you,” his God-complex has tripled into stealing Birkoff’s rare girlfriends and joining Quinn and Greg in a few ménage à trois’s! It’s obvious that something needs to be done about this horny little devil, and maybe we’ll do it today! [camera back on Operations] Okay, let’s get started! Here’s what we’re playing! Each contestant will spin the wheel to choose the point value for their question. We’ll give them the description and they have to answer in the form of a question. If they can’t answer, the other two will have a chance to pick up the points by answering correctly. Why so confusing? Because the writers couldn’t decide which game show to copy, so we’re copying them all! [turns toward Madeline] Maddy, tell us what our contestants are playing for!
Mads [walking toward another mini-stage and smiling]: Not only will our contestants be playing for their lives, the winners can pick up a few prizes along the way! Some of these featured on the wheel are [motions] this spiffy looking five-disc CD player, [motions] a wide range of gun accessories, and [motions] a chance to take out the rat bastards that rigged the McDonald’s games! Jail isn’t enough for us, people!
Jason [frowning]: What about that car?
Mads [looking back at the convertible]: Oh, that’s not a prize; I just couldn’t find a place to park this morning.
Ops: Thank you, Madeline! Of course, the contestant with the least amount of points at the end of the game will be put in abeyance, and if anyone wants to have a skeptical gun-cleaning accident, we won’t mind that either. All contestants will receive a year subscription to Section Weekly, because everyone is supposed to be reading it anyway. Let’s get started! Quinn and Greg, spin the wheel!
[Quinn bends over to spin the wheel. Greg takes a step back to check out her ass. The wheel lands on 200.]
Ops: 200 points! [picks up card and reads] This well-known actor starred opposite of his wife in the movie “Eyes Wide Shut.”
Quinn: Who is Tom Cruise!
Ops: You’re correct! 200 points for Quinn and Greg! You must really know your movies, Quinn!
Quinn: No, I was in that movie!
Ops: Sure you were…
Quinn: I was! [sly grin] And I slept with Tom on several occasions…
Ops: Sure you did… Nikita! Your turn to spin!
[Nikita doesn’t reply, still glaring at the audience one by one.]
Ops: Okay, Nikita seems to be a bit busy, so Jason, spin away!
[Jason spins. The wheel lands on “McDonald’s”. Audience cheers wildly.]
Ops: Jason, you lucky dog! You get to take out someone who tried to stomp on our Monopoly fun!
[Two operatives in black drag out a small woman. She looks up at them in fear. Her business suit is dirtied and torn. Her hair is frazzled. One of the operatives shoves her, urging her forward, and a Ty® Beanie Baby falls out from under her skirt. They finally get her over onto a small stage painted black. Jason steps forward and Madeline hands him a gun. He takes the woman out in one shot. When her body hits the floor, small Monopoly game pieces spill out everywhere. Audience cheers and Jason jumps up and down, eventually going back to his podium.]
Ops: Good shot, Jason! Although it’s hard to miss someone only standing five feet away. Everyone else, don’t worry! We’ve got seven more of them! Quinn and Greg, your turn!
[Quinn bends over to spin. Greg can’t keep his hands off her. The distraction causes Quinn to weakly spin and move the wheel a whopping one spot.]
Ops: 400! [picks up card and reads] A chessboard has this many squares.
[Quinn and Greg slowly look at each with questioning looks. Madeline frowns at them. They inaudibly bicker until the buzzer cuts them off.]
Ops: Oh, out of time! [Jason rings in.] Jason, can you pick it up?
Jason: What is 64!
Ops: Correct! Okay, Nikita!
Nikita [looks up slowly from the cold pack over her eyes, nursing the migraine received from so much glaring]: What?
Ops: Your turn to spin!
[Nikita sighs and gives the wheel a half-hearted push.]
Ops: 100 points! [picks up card and reads] This Baywatch lifeguard was played by Pamela Anderson.
[Nikita tries to think while Jason and Greg begin violently repeatedly slamming on their buttons, which don’t sound until Nikita waves the question off and the buzzer sounds.]
Greg: C.J. PARKER!!!
Ops: But you didn’t answer in the form of a question.
[Jason rings in.]
Jason [calmly and with sly smile]: Who is C.J. Parker?
Greg: Oh, that’s it. Southern Boy is going down.
[Quinn holds Greg back, commanding him to stay.]
Ops: And it’s your turn to spin!
[Jason spins the wheel.]
Ops: 200! [picks up card and reads] She was the Greek goddess of love and beauty.
Jason [uncertain]: Who is Aphrodite?
Ops: Is that your final answer?
Regis Philbin [in audience, jumps up to yell]: Hey!
Ops [looks at him]: Hey yourself!
Regis: You stole my line!
Ops: We stole your questions, too, but you didn’t scream about that!
[Regis rushes down and tackles Operations. Operations puts him into a headlock while Madeline walks over and snaps Regis’ neck. Regis goes limp and Operations drops his body. The two operatives in black drag the body over to the ex-McDonalds employee.]
Ops: Thanks, gorgeous. [clears throat] Um, yes, that is correct. She was the goddess of beauty and love, but now my [looks over at Madeline] lovely Madeline claims the title. [stares at Madeline for a few awkward moments] Um, we need to take a commercial break…yeah…
[Audience cheers. Fade out.]
[Audience cheers. Camera pans over audience and stops on Operations’ empty podium. A few seconds later, Operations rushes forward. He’s still wearing his suit and tie, but his shirt has disappeared.]
Ops [out of breath]: Welcome back! Greg and Quinn are still in the lead, with Jason right behind them, and Nikita who has yet to score.
[Jason and Greg chuckle at the Freudian slip.]
Ops: Greg and Quinn, I believe it’s your turn again!
[Quinn bends over to spin. Greg’s hand wanders out of site.]
Ops: 300! [picks up card and reads] This drink is named after a Mexican region.
Birkoff [in the audience, stands up drunkenly, holds up pink drink, spilling some on people nearby]: What is…[hiccups]…tequila! [gives off Hispanic shrill, falls down the stairs in between rows]
Ops [awkwardly looks up at him]: Um, yes, Birkoff, that’s correct. No points for anyone there. [looks back at contestants] Nikita, your turn to spin!
Ops: Whoa, 500! [picks up card and reads] Complete this lyric from the musical “South Pacific”: “I’m gonna wash blank right outta my hair.”
Nikita: What is that man?
Ops: Correct! Food for thought, Nikita; shower often. Nikita leaps into the game and it’s Jason’s turn to spin!
Ops: 300! [picks up card and reads] This chess piece is allowed to jump over other pieces.
Jason [sneering]: Did Madeline write all these?
[Madeline tries to keep her smile, cursing Operations in her head for taking out the gun in her bra during the commercial break.]
Ops: Your answer?
Jason: What is the knight.
Ops: Correct! Greg and Quinn, spin away!
[Quinn sits spread eagle on the small podium, facing Greg. Greg busies himself with anything and everything he can do without earlier planning.]
[Greg loses all sense of creativity and decides to do Quinn right there on the show. As he unzips his pants, Madeline walks up and attaches the end of a long jumper cable to his delicates. He screams in pain and collapses to the floor as Little Greg is charged with a small voltage of electricity. Madeline drags Quinn down to a standing position, facing the audience, and forces her hand onto the wheel. Quinn spins as Greg loudly begs for mercy.]
Ops: 100! [picks up card and reads] This is the title of Canada’s national anthem.
[Quinn shrugs. Greg sobs. The buzzer sounds.]
Ops: Nikita or Jason?
[Nikita and Jason look at each questioningly. The buzzer sounds.]
Ops [glaring]: O Canada. We tape in Canada; how can you not know that?
[No one answers. Operations sighs.]
Ops: Okay, Nikita, spin the wheel!
Ops: 300! [picks up card and reads] This man founded Microsoft with Bill Gates.
Nikita: Not a clue.
[The buzzer sounds. Jason rings in.]
Jason: Who is Paul Allen?
Ops: Oh, I’m sorry, it was a trick question. According to the Aris’ LFN Bible, the Microsoft corporation is actually the Megahard corporation, so Microsoft technically doesn’t exist. No points for anyone. Jason, spin the wheel!
Ops: 400! [picks up card and reads] Complete the following Oscar Mayer advertising song, “My bologna has a first name, it’s…”
Jason: What is [singing] P-E-N-I-S!
Ops [chuckling]: No…
Jason [frowning]: What are you talking about? That’s how I learned it!
Ops: That’s not the way it goes.
[Quinn rings in.]
Quinn: What is O-S-C-A-R.
Ops: Correct! 400 points for Quinn, and minus 400 to Jason for stupidity and for questioning me.
Ops: Spin the wheel, Quinn!
[As Quinn bends over, Greg reaches up and grabs her leg. He tries to lift himself up but Quinn shoves one of her heels in his face and pushes him back down to the floor. She spins.]
Ops: 400! [picks up card and reads] This name is given to the Japanese art of flower arrangement.
Quinn: Um, what is whatever that thing that Madeline does…
Madeline [giving evil death glare]: I do not arrange flowers!
[Nikita rings in.]
Nikita [remembering the days when she and Madeline got along]: What is ikebana?
Ops: Oh, you know what that sound means! We’re out of time! In some amazing comeback, Nikita is the winner with 900 points while the other two tie with 600!
[Nikita beams while Quinn frowns and Jason curses to himself.]
Ops: But wait a minute! Like everything else we do, we’ve changed our minds without telling anyone! Now the one with the most points gets put in abeyance! Congratulations, Nikita!
[All facial expressions earlier stated reverse.]
Ops: Nikita will immediately be put on a few questionable missions. Meanwhile, we’re going to see if Greg is still a man and let’s see if we can bring out those remaining seven evil souls to be pummeled by our winning contestants!
[Six men and one woman in tattered business suits are dragged out and lined up against the wall. Jason and Quinn eagerly wait like two little kids for Madeline to give them their guns while Moonbeam comes out of the audience, takes off a massive boot, and begins pummeling one to death. Nikita sulks at her podium while curiously glancing down at Greg. Greg slowly drags himself along the floor toward Madeline. Jason and Quinn start playing with the minds of the six people Moonbeam has left them. Birkoff staggers across the set and stops to relieve himself on Greg.]
Moonbeam: I had [whack] a good chance [whack] dammit! [whack] I had three [whack] of the railroads! [whack]
[Operations and Madeline stand in front of the chaos calmly and smiling sweetly.]
Ops: That’s all we have for this time, but be sure to keep your status up, or you could be next on…
Ops: Good night, everyone!
[Madeline regally waves while Ops blows a Dating-Game-esque kiss. Moonbeam continues to pummel a lifeless body as the camera pans out.]