La Femme Rayonlune: Guilty
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Birkoff goes on another blind date, Michael reaches his horny teenage years, and Nikita’s programming begins to falter.
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. All lyrics to “Serve Me” are owned by the group Unto Ashes. Our Ericah is a fictional character and we have no idea if the real Ericah actually sings the lead vocals for the song. Moonbeam just thought she was the cutest one. No infringement is intended.
Section One: Briefing Table
Moonbeam slid into her chair, casting a sideways glance at Jason. He was still nursing the black eye she gave him the other night. Serves him right, she thought smugly. Nikita sat down next to her, Michael taking the other empty seat. He had brought a Playboy magazine, carefully crafted to look like the latest copy of Section Weekly.
“Hey, Moonbeam,” Nikita greeted, then looked past her at the other operatives. “Hi, Jason. Hi…whoever you are.”
“Nameless Operative #1063,” he replied bitterly.
“Okay.” She leaned back in her chair, smiling.
“You’re chipper this morning,” Moonbeam mentioned, arms folded across her chest, covering up the glittery rainbow that adorned her baby tee.
“I beat Michael at Tetris,” she announced in a singsong voice.
“She cheated,” he piped in, turning the magazine sideways to check out the centerfold. “No one can beat me at Tetris.”
Madeline approached the table, putting a bonsai plant in the center of the table. “Operations is at Oversight this morning, so he’ll be briefing you about the mission via radio.”
“Is the radio in the tree?” Michael asked, his eyes having turned their attention from two-dimensional breasts to the cleavage peeking out of Madeline’s blouse.
“Very good,” she praised, smiling at him. She gave a small nod to Quinn, who was poised to transmit from Comm.
The plant came alive with a cheery male voice. “Good morning, Angels!” The operatives at the table looked at each other in confusion. Madeline’s eyes darkened. “Uh, Angels?”
Madeline pulled a gun from her shoulder holster and aimed it at Quinn. The technician ducked with a yelp, and the bullet whizzed past her, destroying her monitor. “Hold still!” she yelled, firing again. Quinn got up from her post and ran off to Walter’s work area. Madeline aimed at the plant, squeezing the trigger and taking delight in the destruction of the device. “Well,” she said, replacing her weapon, “I guess we’ll do it the old fashioned way.”
Nikita coughed, brushing the remains of the radio off of her chest.
“Although we managed to capture the head of Glass Curtain, Errol Sparks, his followers seem to think they can rescue him. They’re holding a group of people hostage at McDonald’s. Moonbeam, you’ll be leading the mission. Release the hostages and terminate the Glass Curtain members.”
Michael raised his hand. “Ooh, can I go?”
Both Moonbeam and Nikita said, “No!” while Madeline said, “Yes.” The two operatives looked at her, mouths open. She cast them a look, and they shrunk back in their chairs.
She smiled at Michael. “Of course you can go. You don’t get a weapon, but–”
“That’s okay,” he interrupted, “I have my own.”
“Then have fun. You leave in ten minutes. Dismissed.”
Section One: Van Access
“I get shotgun!” Michael yelled, running toward the elevator with his paintball gun, nearly knocking down Nameless Operative #1063 and Quinn.
“I don’t get it,” Nikita muttered. “Why is Michael coming along?”
“Prob’ly ‘cuz Madeline doesn’t want ta babysit,” Jason laughed.
Moonbeam glared at him. “That must be why you’re here, too.”
“Now, Moonbeam,” he began, his accent making her cringe, “why can’t we be friends? I know you’re tight with my brother and all, but Gwen was just so hot…”
“Shut up, Jason.”
“Fine! Okay, I git it.” He climbed into the van and took a seat in the back with Quinn. Moonbeam and Nikita sat across from each other, while Michael flipped channels on the radio. Nameless Operative #1063 drove off toward McDonald’s.
“Oops, I did it again…”
The hairs on the back of Moonbeam’s neck prickled. “What is that?” She pulled out her gun and pointed it at Michael’s head. “Tell me you’re not listening to Britney Spears.” She glanced at Nikita, who was quietly singing along, dancing in her seat. “Not you, too!” She cocked the gun. “Change it. Now!”
“Okay! Geez!” Michael turned off the radio and slumped back in his chair. “Nobody told me we weren’t allowed to have fun on this mission.”
“Oh, we get to have fun, Junior,” Quinn commented. “This McDonald’s has a play land.”
He wrinkled his nose. “I’m fifteen years old. Besides, I doubt I fit the height requirement since I’m so buff.” The women in the van rolled their eyes. “What? Come on, I know you think I’m hot.” This time they laughed. “Well, Madeline thinks I’m hot.”
Nikita frowned. “What makes you think that?”
“She let me go on the mission.” He smiled in satisfaction. “She wants me.”
“Madeline let you go on the mission because she wants to get you killed,” Quinn declared, then pouted, “I should know. That’s why I’m here.”
Jason looked at her. “Really? I thought that’s why I was here. You know, Kate, we have a lot in common. We should go out sometime.”
She glared at him. “Duh! I’m dating Greg.”
“Hillinger? Man, he don’t respect you!”
“Well, no…but he’s good in bed.”
“You don’t know good until you’ve had Jason Crawford.”
His eyes lit up. “Maybe I can join you two sometime.”
She scoffed at him but said, “Maybe.”
He leaned back in his seat and grinned.
Moonbeam looked up from her panel to glare at everyone in turn. “Dear goddess…”
Michael ran up to the cashier. “Hey, can I get a six-piece of Chicken McNuggets, large fries, and a Coke?”
The woman smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry, we only serve Pepsi products.”
“Uh, okay, then a Pepsi.”
“I’m sorry, we only serve Dr Slice.”
He frowned and was about to speak again when Moonbeam plucked him back by his collar. “We’re here on a mission, not a lunch break.”
“Fine.” He loaded his paintball gun and looked around the establishment. Patrons ate their meals peacefully. “I thought there was a hostage situation.”
She glanced at Nikita and Nameless Operative #1063, both of whom looked equally confused. “Yeah, so did I.”
Michael jumped up on the nearest table. “Excuse me, kind citizens!” he called out boldly. “We’re looking for some members of Glass Curtain who are holding people hostage.”
One man spoke. “You want the McDonald’s down the street, about a block south of here.”
“Thank you,” he replied, jumping back down.
Rolling her eyes, Moonbeam led the team back to the van. There was a newly-affixed sticker on the door, which read ‘If this van’s a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin.’ And, indeed, the van was rocking, Quinn and Jason still inside.
Michael ran up to the windows and tried peeking inside. Nikita pulled him back. “Hey! Free porn, I’m not passing this up!”
“I’ll have Birkoff tap into the satellites and send the Spice channel to your room,” she promised. “Now come on.”
PLH Apartment Complex
Moonbeam pulled her hair out of its ponytail as she slid inside her home. “Hey, Birky.”
“Hey.” He turned his attention from the fridge long enough to greet her. “How was your day?”
“Nameless Operative #1063 drove us to the wrong location for the mission. By the time we got there, Glass Curtain had gotten bored and left. They sent us a message by carrier pigeon, promising to kill someone the next time they took hostages if we didn’t release Sparks and Siobhan.”
“Are terrorists getting stupider or is it just me?” He slammed the door shut and walked over to her. “Hey, do you like my outfit?” He was wearing a classy black suit. “I stole it from Jason for my date tonight.”
“Oh, speaking of your brother, he’s boinking Quinn now.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Why?”
She shrugged, peeling off clothing as she headed to the bathroom for a shower. “Are you and Ericah still meeting at the Alpha Lounge?” she called out from behind the closed door.
“Well, I don’t know. She gave me this address of where to pick her up. I guess we’ll figure it out from there.”
“Well, have a good time. But I’m warning you–she’s a little feisty.” She turned on the water with a grin. Feisty was probably an understatement…but she’d let Seymour figure that out on his own.
Section One: Men’s Locker Room
Since Birkoff was off duty, Michael was without the Spice channel, and frankly his male urges were starting to get the best of him. He studied Section’s layout and found that the communal shower in the women’s locker room shared the same wall as the communal shower in the men’s locker room. How convenient. Carrying a power tool set that he stole–er, borrowed–from Walter, he began drilling a peephole into the tile.
When he had broken through, he stared through the hole and found a wealth of naked women on the other side, touching themselves under sprays of hot water. He didn’t know which operatives were showering, but they were nude and that was all that mattered. Quickly, he unzipped his pants and stuck his hand inside.
Section One: Perch
Madeline walked into the office and frowned. Several dozen candles surrounded a bed of soft red rose petals. Operations sat in the middle of it, wearing an expensive silk robe. Sultry jazz music flowed from invisible speakers. Smiling, he pressed a button on a remote control, and large black doors closed off the two exits.
“Hello, my love,” he greeted, patting a spot next to him.
She tilted her head to one side, trying to contain her smile. “What’s this?”
“I didn’t think so.” She clasped her hands behind her back. “Did you read the report about the mission this morning?”
“Yes. Did you put Nameless Operative #1063 into abeyance?”
“He’s already been cancelled.”
“Good.” He waited for her to sit down, but she continued standing there. “Is there anything else?”
“Yes. I’m thinking of giving Moonbeam my former position as wardrobe specialist. I’ve already had my castle office refurbished. All I need is your approval.”
“Whatever you want.” She still didn’t move, and he sighed. “And?”
Madeline gazed at him suspiciously. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
“Definitely.” He paused hopefully. “Is it working?”
She chuckled briefly. “It’s going to take a lot more than candles and music to seduce me. You know that.” He flicked his tongue back and forth quickly, and her knees began to buckle. “Okay, that’ll work.”
La Partouse Motel
Birkoff clutched the black orchid in his hand and knocked on the door. This was the address Ericah had given him. He hoped things worked out; after the ordeal with Gwen, he was nervous about dating again.
A woman opened the door. “Seymour?” she greeted in a husky voice.
“E-Ericah?” His eyes grew wide as he took in her appearance. She wore a tight leather and lace corset that barely contained her enormous breasts and a long black skirt. Black lipstick, black-dyed hair, black contacts… “Hi.”
“Come in.” She stepped aside, and he walked in. “Oh, is that for me?”
He handed her the flower. “Yeah, sorry, I’m just–” He chuckled. “A little nervous.”
“Don’t be.” She touched his arm gently. “I ordered Chinese. I hope that’s okay.”
“Oh, we’re staying in?”
“Yeah. I’ve got a concert tomorrow.”
“Okay.” He sat on the edge of the orange and brown bed, and Ericah handed him a berry cosmopolitan wine cooler. “Thanks.” He drank it quickly, his throat dry from nervousness.
Ericah chuckled. “There’s plenty more where that came from.” She opened the mini-fridge, revealing tons of wine coolers of various flavors. “Help yourself.”
Section One: Operative Apartment #407
Nikita laid back on the Phantom Menace sheets on Michael’s bed. “All right, Michael. If I eat anymore pizza, I’ll explode.”
Michael looked over at her, taking a long stare up and down her trim figure. Despite his previous session in the locker room, he was still horny. He stuffed the remaining crust into his mouth and slowly got up to sit next to her. “You’re, uh…you’re really cute.”
Nikita looked at him and smiled nicely. “Thank you, Michael.” She sat up and started looking for the complimentary two-liter of Coke. “Is there any soda left?”
Michael suddenly pulled Nikita’s face to his and tried to suck her lipstick off. Nikita pushed him away and caught her breath before asking, “What are you doing?”
Michael shrugged. “I felt like it.”
Nikita glared at him. “And you didn’t think to ask first?”
Michael looked at her blankly. “No.”
“That was a rhetorical question.”
“What’s a rhetorical question?”
“I was hinting at you that you need to ask a girl before trying something like that.”
“But I didn’t want to. I just wanted to jump your bones.”
With that note, Michael applied his mouth to hers like a suction cup and shoved his hand up her shirt. Nikita kicked him off and fled the room.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Madeline studied the ad on eBay carefully. Overstocked product, still in its original packaging… She contemplated placing a bid. Paul’s tongue couldn’t last forever, whether she liked it or not. Besides, he might like this little addition to the bedroom, and it would certainly keep her happy when he was unavailable. Quickly, she placed her bid and bookmarked the page to ensure victory. The adorably cute Hello Kitty vibrator was as good as hers.
Suddenly, Nikita kicked the door in, too impatient to wait for it to open, and stormed inside. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Madeline sighed impatiently and replied in a monotone voice, “We’ve been over this. You must do this, you have to do this, we control you, we’re your family, blah blah blah…”
“I can’t babysit Michael anymore!”
“And why not?”
“He wants to sleep with me!”
“Well, often a young child will feel much better after having a nightmare by joining a parental figure–”
“That’s not what I meant! He finds me sexually desirable.”
God knows why, she thought sourly. “During Michael’s first teenage years, he lost his virginity when he was 15.”
“Sleep with him. He’s attracted to you. We need him back to his normal self.” Madeline looked up at her and smiled sweetly. “Go rock his world.”
Nikita glared at her defiantly. “And if I don’t want to?”
“Tough shit. Make Michael #2 a man or meet my friends Smith and Wesson.”
Nikita glared at her for a few seconds before walking out, er, over the door.
Section One: Operative Apartment #407
Nikita returned, slowly closing the door behind her. Michael looked up at her, half a poorly made breadstick hanging out of his mouth. Nikita hesitated before plopping down on the bed and laying spread eagle. “Fine. Do it.”
Madeline’s words echoed in her head, and she shuddered inwardly. “Rock my world.”
La Partouse Motel
Birkoff laid back on the bed with the comforter in bold earth tones, his head swimming from all the alcohol and Chinese food he had consumed. He drank the last of his black cherry wine cooler and watched Ericah take her jacket off. She had the largest breasts he had ever seen. He wasn’t sure if she had noticed his stare, but tried to keep the subject on something innocent. “Why is this room all orange and brown and crappy?”
Ericah smiled. “It’s the Captain and Tenille room. I was really going for the Abba room but it was already taken.”
Birkoff had trouble concentrating on something to say as she smiled and slowly crawled up onto the bed. She half-whispered in a husky voice, “We’re performing one of my favorite songs tomorrow. Wanna hear it?”
She sang in a low voice as she slowly crawled over his body. “After you take me…you will comfort me…” She smirked and ran her fingers through his short hair. “Do my bidding…you will serve me…”
Birkoff chuckled. “Serve you?”
Ericah ignored his question. She kept her face one inch away from his and started undoing his pants. “Now get undressed…feel my emptiness…” She reached inside. “My loneliness…” Birkoff started some exploring under her black lace dress. She orgasmically sang the last verse, “Serve me right now…”
Moonbeam marveled at the level of security necessary for her and Madeline to get in. “So this is where you and Operations go for sex, huh?”
Madeline shot her a quick glance. “This is one of the places.” After a handprint scan, a retinal scan, an obstacle course, and a two hundred question exam complete with essay needing a #2 pencil with the only sharpener in Section being on the complete other side, the last door finally opened, and they stepped inside. “Paul? We’re here.”
“Did you bring the tape?” he asked excitedly, placing a humongous bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.
“Of course.” She handed him a videocassette and carried her duffel bag toward the bathroom. “Get it ready. I’ll be right back.”
Moonbeam glanced at Operations, who was wearing one of those corny plaid long john pajamas with the butt flap. She broke the silence with, “Madeline wouldn’t tell me what’s on the tape, but she said it’d be worth watching.”
She tapped her foot impatiently. “So what’s on the tape?”
He grinned wickedly. “You’ll see.”
Madeline appeared, leaning against the doorframe seductively. “I’m back.” Both of them turned to look at her, and both of them gaped with interest. She wore a long, silky nightgown that clung to every curve. Their eyes went lower…and lower…paused for a bit…still lower…and they frowned. On her feet were Hello Kitty slippers. Operations tilted his head, still staring at them, and Moonbeam rolled her eyes.
“Obsess much, Madeline?”
“I just had a pedicure and a foot massage; there’s no way I’m leaving these beauties exposed to harsh conditions such as the Tower floor.”
“What ev.” Moonbeam picked up her own bag and moved past Madeline. “I’ll be back in a sec.” She stripped off her clothes, leaving on her sports bra and a pair of shorts. No Hello Kitty apparel for her. When she returned to the living room, Operations and Madeline were snuggling on the couch with the remote control. She shook her head and sat next to Madeline. “Now will you tell me what this is all about?”
“Well,” Madeline began, taking a handful of popcorn and ungracefully shoving it into her mouth, “Nikita no longer requires your services. Her Gelman processing has been erased.”
“Not that I care, but how?”
“She made Michael a man tonight.” She seemed particularly pleased by this fact, grinning from ear to ear. “When she did something that was completely against her programming, it erased the original alterations. She’s returned to her own heterosexual state.”
Moonbeam frowned. “I’m confused. If the programming went ba-bye after she slept with him, why did she sleep with him?”
“I threatened her.”
Moonbeam nodded slowly. “I see. But what was the whole point of having her sleep with me in the first place? We were splitting them up, right?”
Operations and Madeline looked at each other curiously. Then he shrugged. “This is different. This isn’t blank stare Michael. This is teenager Michael. Horny teenager Michael, I might add.”
“Okay…” Moonbeam had a dark feeling that this wouldn’t be the end of mattress tango with Nikita. “So what’s with the tape?”
Madeline pressed play on the remote, and a scene of Nikita laying panty-less on Michael’s bed filled the screen. “All apartments inside Section are under twenty-four hour surveillance.”
“No way!” Moonbeam grabbed some popcorn and leaned back on the couch, grinning evilly.
On the screen, Michael stared at Nikita, who had just commanded that he rock her world. He remained still for a moment, staring at the spot between her legs, and suddenly jerked forward and looked down at his pants.
Moonbeam laughed. “Ooh! Dishonorable discharge!”
“I’ve never seen a man with such little stamina,” Operations mentioned.
“Funny,” Madeline mused, “I don’t recall him being so quick to ejaculate.” Both Moonbeam and Operations stared at her, wide-eyed. She shrunk back on the couch. “Well, someone had to teach him his Valentine skills…”
Back on the screen, Nikita was whining to Michael about not getting any satisfaction, and he was busily trying to clean up his mess. Madeline hit the fast forward button, stopping when Michael had ‘risen to the occasion’ once more. The three of them watched as Nikita lay back on the bed again and Michael began to remove his clothing.
“Holy shit!” Moonbeam leaned forward, squinting at the screen. “Is there something wrong with the camera?”
“No, unfortunately, Michael is quite…” Madeline searched her thesaurus-like brain for the right word. “…infinitesimal.”
Moonbeam looked at her sharply. “What?”
“He has a teenie weenie.”
“I’ll say.” She held out her thumb and forefinger in an attempt to get an accurate measurement. “Tell me I’m wrong and that he’s bigger than I think he is.”
Madeline shrugged, eating more popcorn. “If he wasn’t so skilled in lovemaking and insistent on copulating in the dark, I would predict that his sexual partners would laugh their heads off.”
Operations quickly glanced between Michael’s groin and his own, making a mental comparison that concluded he had at least six inches on Michael (although he’s a guy, and guys tend to overestimate these sorts of things). Suddenly very pleased, he leaned back and grinned smugly.
“Oh, geez,” Moonbeam said, still critiquing the session, “three thrusts and he’s done? I kinda feel bad for Nikita.” She continued watching as Nikita smacked Michael over the head with her hand, then her shoe, then the pizza box. “Yeah! Kick his ass, Nikita!” Nikita shoved Michael’s head between her legs, hoping to get some satisfaction out of the union. Moonbeam sighed heavily. “Damn, and I thought we were going to see some real action.”
Madeline glanced at Operations, who was still lost in a self-satisfied reverie. “Paul?”
Suddenly, Michael jumped up from his position, covering his mouth. Retching could be heard in the background.
“Ewww!” the three of them shouted in unison.
Moonbeam shook her head. “Dear goddess…” She looked back at Operations and Madeline. “We keep comparing him to the old Michael; did he suck that badly the first time around?”
Madeline shrugged. “Unfortunately, we were unable to obtain that kind of information about his past. Michael would never give us a truthful description, even under the heaviest torture.”
“So, that would a yes then?”
Madeline smiled back.
Moonbeam looked back at the screen, watching Nikita put her clothes back on in frustration. “That’s all it took for the Gelman process to rub off?”
“I think it’s time for that hard drive to be formatted. That is so sad…”
“We’ve had problems in the past regarding sexuality. One’s own true sexuality is a very hard thing to override.”
Section One: Main Area
Walter said hi to Ms. Jones, no relation, as he walked by Comm to his cave. When he reached the doorway, he froze in place. He saw the familiar dark brown hair dangle off the edge of his worktable. “No…”
Quinn attempted to look at him, laying on her back, while Jason looked up at Walter and smiled. Both were completely naked and in a very sensual and gravity-defying position.
Walter yelled, “NO!” He threw what he was carrying to the side. “No no no! I just had this table replaced!”
Quinn and Jason watched his hissy fit, never moving from their positions. Walter was just about to go for the bombs when Greg walked in. “What the hell is-” He saw Quinn and Jason. “…going on here…” Quinn smiled and Jason shrugged. Greg chuckled. “Oh, Laura. One of these days-”
The unknown studio audience said the rest of this statement with him. “-I’m gonna punch you in the face!”
Quinn frowned. “But I’m not Laura.”
Greg mumbled, “Whatever…” and walked out the door.