LFR #11: Abandoned

La Femme Rayonlune: Abandoned
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001

Rated R
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Nikita’s mother comes back into the picture and Birkoff loses his cool at work…

Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.

Section One: Medical

Moonbeam sat on the examination table, staring at the wall impatiently and cupping her breasts. A medical assistant cautiously applied a cream to the fresh scratch marks on her back while Moonbeam quietly thought of how to file Nikita’s nails down without her knowing of it. Her attention came to life when she saw a familiar face walk in the door. “Hey, Birkie!”

Birkoff stopped in place and looked at her, slightly startled. “Oh, hey Moonbeam.”

Moonbeam frowned. “What’s wrong, stud?”


She looked at him skeptically. Birkoff couldn’t get over the fact that she was sitting there topless and she had no embarrassment over it.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll talk to you later about it.” Birkoff looked at the medic behind her. “Did that guy in last week’s mission have his head blown off or his penis blown off?”

The woman smirked. “His head, why?”

“Oh, Bruce in Records has started using slang terms when typing up his reports. It’s starting to get really annoying. The other day it took me forever to figure out how this one woman lit a bomb with a gay guy until I found out Bruce is British.”

Moonbeam chuckled. Birkoff took down the information on his palm pilot and walked out.


Section One: Cafeteria

Nikita stretched her gum out in front of her and twisted it around her finger while she waited for Michael to finish eating. He shoveled food into his mouth while his hair remained unbrushed, his jeans were spotted with grass stains, and his Pokémon t-shirt had a hole on the side that was slowly growing larger every time he tugged on it. Nikita returned all her gum to her mouth and sighed. “Geez, Michael. Aren’t you done yet? We can come back, you know. There isn’t going to be a food shortage any time in the near future.”

Michael ignored her, chugging down some Hawaiian Punch and resuming his shoveling. Nikita shifted in her seat, brushing against Michael slightly. His eyes widened and he instantly moved three feet away from her, making sure to take his tray with him. “Don’t touch me!”

Nikita frowned. “Why not?”

“You have girl cooties!”

“‘Girl cooties’?”


“I barely touched you.”

“No, you didn’t! You shoved me!”

“I did not.”

“Did too!”

Nikita rolled her eyes and concentrated on finding another piece of gum in her purse.


Section One: Corridor outside Madeline’s Office

Birkoff decided on the way that he should report Bruce. He usually didn’t report someone unless he really really really had to, but he was getting annoying and Birkoff had an intensely short fuse thanks to Lover Boy. Birkoff swore under his breath as he walked around the corner and into Madeline’s office, latest mission report at hand. She sat behind her desk and Birkoff didn’t notice her doing anything. He was about to speak but frowned when he saw her. Her eyes were closed, hands pressed against the glass top. Her jaw hung open slightly, and she seemed to be in deep concentration. Birkoff almost whispered, “Madeline?”

Her eyes flew open, and she cleared her throat. “What, uh… What is it?”

“You called me here because I–” She released a whimpering moan in the middle of his sentence. “–have the mission report… Are you okay?”

“What?” Her fingertips grew white as she pressed harder onto the desk. “Oh, God…”

“Are you okay?” he repeated, growing concerned.

“Uhhhhh…ohhhh…I’m fine,” she groaned, eyelids fluttering. She licked her lips and released a shaky breath. “What did you want?”

He put the disc on her desk. “The Ecuador mission report.”

“Mmm, yesss…” She giggled. “Yeah…”

He stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. “Madeline?”


He jumped back at her scream, worry showing on his face. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting really weird.”

“No, he’s got everything-I mean, I’ve got everything under control.” She licked her lips, squirming around in her chair. “I’m…f-f-f…fiiiine, oh God…”

He looked down and noticed someone’s feet peeking out from under the desk. Male feet, wearing designer leather shoes with worn soles. Only one person would have that style of footwear worn down from constant pacing and standing. Birkoff gulped and slowly backed out of the room, breaking into a run when he reached the corridor.

Madeline’s chair rolled backwards, and Operations stuck his head out. “Must…breathe…” He massaged the back of his neck. “Your thighs are like a vice, Madeline, you’re going to snap my head off!”

“Sorry,” she replied lightly. When he made no moves to continue what he had started, she pushed on his head sternly. “What are you waiting for?”

Giving her a weak smile, he went down again. Madeline slumped down in her chair as a guttural moan escaped her lips.


Section One: Comm

Quinn sat at her station, typing something, while Greg sat next to her. His chair was moving ever so slightly closer to hers as he tried to concentrate on her screen. His hand slowly moved to the inside of her thigh. She frowned, grabbed his hand, and tossed it away. “Stop it.”

“Oh, come on.” He moved over to kiss her neck. “Just one little quickie.”

“We’ve had 137 ‘little quickies’ and we’ve christened Walter’s work table 27 times! We were almost put into abeyance because we were…preoccupied for so long.”

Greg smiled and nibbled on her ear. “But it was so much fun…”

“I only agreed to sleep with you if you helped me get rid of Madeline.”

He sat up and frowned. “What about the twins?”

Quinn rolled her eyes. “Well, I doubted that your mind was on anything other than sex so I decided getting rid of Madeline came first on the agenda.”

Greg pouted. “Fine.”

“Now pay attention; I almost have it figured out how to disable security.”

Birkoff rushed in from one of the hallways and to his station. He kept repeating in his mind, Can’t lose sanity, twenty billion things to do. Can’t lose sanity, twenty billion things to do. He glanced around the room quickly. Jason had yet to show his face at Section since the incident. He decided to use every bit of his conscious mind to make a list of the things he needed to do.

He had a good three pages when he found something that didn’t take long and he could make Quinn do it. He found the disc and swiveled around in his chair. “Hey, Quinn, can you go over this intel for me?”

Quinn didn’t move, let alone respond.



Birkoff stood up and walked over to her. He looked down and saw Greg’s hand fumbling around in her pants with the grace of a fourteen-year-old while Quinn froze in place with her eyes closed and head bowed. He glanced around to see if anyone else was seeing what he saw. He looked over at a man and a woman in the storage room flirting with each other, then at a man bent over at a computer attempting to type something while standing while a man behind him caressed his thigh from behind. It was at that moment that Birkoff lost what little patience he had left. He put his hand in Greg’s thick hair and pulled back hard. Greg yelled in pain while Birkoff put his face next to Greg’s and screamed, “GO TO YOUR OWN STATION AND DO SOME GODDAMN WORK, MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

He let go of Greg’s hair after he slammed his face into the table surface. Greg instantly slid his chair back on the clear plastic, looking at Birkoff in horror. Everyone in Comm froze in place as Birkoff looked around at them with crazy wild eyes. He yelled, “What’s wrong with you people?! Why don’t you just go home?! You obviously want to have sex more than you want to get anything done! This place has turned into one big orgy! Maybe I’ll just do it all myself since you all are so worthless!”

Birkoff stopped to catch his breath while everyone glanced at each other questioningly. He was never issued a gun, right? Birkoff mumbled, “Worthless…” He looked up at them. “I mean it; GET OUT OF HERE!!!”

Everyone decided that hesitation would mean death and all quickly moved out of the area. Quinn and Greg made a beeline for Walter’s cave, regardless of Greg’s broken and bleeding nose. Birkoff slowly took a few steps out into the main area and laid down on the tile to calm down. He stared up at the ceiling for ten minutes or so until Madeline walked up to him and looked down. “Birkoff, what did you do with everyone who was working here?”

“I…” He hesitated.


“I’ve had a bad day.”

“So I saw from the security cameras. Would you care to meet me in my office in a few minutes and talk about it? I’ll only be a moment; I have to pry Quinn and Greg apart.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Madeline smiled and walked away to Walter’s cave.


Section One: The Perch

Operations looked over the main area at the empty Comm, wearing his dark blue smoking jacket and holding a pipe. He saw Nikita leave Michael at the Playstation in the corner by the wet bar and leave him. A few moments later, he heard footsteps behind him and a familiar Australian accent say, “You wanted to see me?”

He turned around and looked at her. “Yes, there was something we wanted to discuss with you.” He slowly slid into his large Victorian lounge chair. “We found some information on Glass Curtain’s computer and followed up on it. Unfortunately, we found out something that concerns us. You said you took care of your mother.”

“We did. Michael developed that big story that I was used for medical testing and I was brain dead, or something like that. I’m not quite sure; it was a long time ago.”

“She’s still looking for you.”

Nikita frowned. “Why? She saw me right there in the hospital bed!”

“You weren’t there the second time she went to see you. The staff said they’d never heard of you.”

“W-we didn’t think she’d come back; she went into that whole long speech telling me goodbye.”

“Well, she stopped for about a month and then picked up where she left off, this time trying to enlist the help of a newspaper reporter. You fucked up so I’ve sent two operatives to pick her up and bring her in.” Operations puffed on his pipe. “That is all. You may leave.”

Nikita defiantly turned around and left.


PLH Apartment Complex

Moonbeam walked into her apartment, keys jingling, and froze into place. Ms. Jones, no relation, and Birkoff looked up at her. “Hey, Birkie! What are you doing here?”

“Madeline told me to come here.”

Moonbeam closed the door and set her things on the table nearby. “Okay…”

“She told me to find a new place to live and take some downtime. She suggested your place.”

She shrugged. “Okay, what ev. I don’t know how comfortable my couch is though.” Moonbeam sat on the other side of him. “So…what happened?”

Ms. Jones, no relation, smiled. “He went ballistic on Greg’s ass.”

“Hillinger?” She nodded. “Rock on!”

Birkoff smiled weakly.

Moonbeam smiled widely. “Did ya kill him?” Birkoff shook his head and Moonbeam’s smile faltered. “Damn. Well, better luck next time.”

Ms. Jones, no relation, leaned forward. “He did slam his head into the table though.”

Moonbeam started laughing wickedly.


Section One: White Room

The large metal door opened and Madeline walked in. Nikita’s mother looked up at her in fear. “What’s going on? Why am I here?”

Madeline found the circle drawn on the floor and started walking on it, circling the metal chair. “There is a restraining order against you by a certain news reporter. Explain this for me.”

She glanced around. “I got into a little trouble a few years ago.”

Madeline waited a moment for her to continue. “That isn’t a sufficient explanation.”

“I don’t know what you want to know!”

“Everything. Start at the beginning, go to the end, and then the other way around. I want to know everything.”

The woman sniffled. “I was romantically involved with Clark a long time ago. He doesn’t want me involved in his life anymore.”

Madeline started trying to balance on the line. “And what was it that you did that brought on the restraining order?”

“He’s the father of my daughter. I wanted him to help me find her with his resources but he says that there’s no way she could be his daughter.”

“Why are you trying to find your daughter? Our records indicate that she died in prison.”

“She was used for medical testing. I saw her! And now she’s magically disappeared again.”

“What was her condition when you saw her?”

She glanced away guiltily. “Not good.”

“Then could it be possible that she is actually dead now?”

“She wasn’t before when they said she was!”

“But she could be now.”

The woman’s face sprang to life as she just remembered something. “See, that’s why I tried to get Clark involved! Nikita can’t be dead; nothing can kill her!”

Madeline frowned. “And how is that?”

“Clark Kent is her father, but what everyone doesn’t know is that Clark is Superman!”


“Yes, so if she’s his daughter, nothing can kill her except kryptonite!”

Madeline finished putting on her Reeboks and started walking around the room in a brisk power walk. “According to our records, the only serious relationship Clark Kent has had was with a fellow reporter Lois Lane.”

The woman sighed. “I’m Lois Lane. That was just my pen name.”

“Our records don’t indicate that.”

“Well, your records suck.”

Elizabeth stood at the side, holding out a small cup of water. Madeline sped by, grabbed it, and splashed the water on her face, throwing the cup to the side. “Is it possible that one of the prison’s medical tests involved kryptonite?”

She hesitated before replying, “I…hadn’t thought of that… I was always under the assumption that kryptonite was securely controlled by the government.”

“On the contrary. Kryptonite is such a common substance that the word has been in the Megahard Word spelling dictionary for years. Even so, the prison system is run by the government.”


Madeline stopped in front of her and leaned over to be at eye level with her. “I would highly suggest that you give up this useless search.”

The woman glared at her. “What is your interest in all this? She’s really alive, isn’t she?”

Madeline smiled. “No, I work for the government. We like to keep Superman happy so he can keep all those big things under control. When Superman isn’t happy, no one is happy.”

She smiled weakly. “That’s true. He was never a morning person.”

“Very good then.” She looked up at Elizabeth. “Can you please arrange to have our guest escorted home?”

Elizabeth nodded and Madeline walked out of the room.


Section One: Main Area

Elizabeth and Henry escorted Nikita’s mother toward van access while Nikita came from the opposite direction. As they passed, Nikita glanced at her and said, “Hi, Mom.” The woman looked at her with wide eyes as the Torture Twins urged her on. Nikita walked over to Michael. “So, you get past the fire of doom yet?”

Michael glanced at her shyly. “Yeah, a while ago.”

Nikita sat at a chair at the conference table. “So what do you want to do now?” She looked at her watch. “I guess you’re hungry again.”

Michael held a controller up. “You wanna play?”

Nikita smiled. “I don’t know anything about computer games.”

“This isn’t a computer.”

“Same difference.”

“It’s really easy. Come here and sit next to me.”

“This is a brand new skirt! I’m not crawling around on the floor in this.”

“Okay…” Michael got up and wheeled a chair next to her, handing her the second controller.

Nikita forced a smile. “All right. I suppose I can try it.”


PLH Apartment Complex

Birkoff leaned against Ms. Jones, no relation, while she gave him a back massage. Moonbeam hung up the phone in the bedroom and walked out to them. “Okay, it’s all set! She’ll meet you at the Alpha Lounge tomorrow night at eight.”

“But I really don’t want to go on another blind date…”

Moonbeam sat on a silver beanbag chair. “It’ll be fine! I warned her ahead of time that you have an evil twin brother that likes to pretend to be you in order to get laid.”

Birkoff sighed. “Yeah, okay. So what’s her name?”

“Ericah. She’s a singer, too, but her group isn’t as popular so she’ll be able to spend lots of time with you.” Moonbeam winked at him and he started blushing. She reached under the coffee table and pulled out some brass knuckles. “So, shall I go over and get your stuff now?”


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