La Femme Rayonlune: Forced
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Nikita begins to question her Gelman programming and Moonbeam is sent in to take care of it…
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.
Section One: Medical
Operations rushed into the main room and toward Nikita, sitting on an empty gurney, swinging her legs back and forth and looking bored to death, and Madeline, standing next to her while mentally deciding on whether she should bid on the teal tea cozy on eBay she was looking at earlier. Her attention was diverted when she saw her darling Paul, king of the tongue muscles.
“What’s going on? Why did you call me down here so urgently?” Operations asked out of breath, slightly turning Madeline on.
She shrugged off the feelings (for now) and replied, “Nikita found Michael in his apartment. He wasn’t answering his phone because he doesn’t have one anymore. Even though all his things went with him when he disappeared with Simon, we have no idea where it all is and Michael can’t tell us.” She looked deep into his eyes and added in a much more serious tone, “I fear that we may lose control of him when he finds out about the cello.”
Operations rolled his eyes and thought, Good riddance. “Why can’t he tell us?”
“It appears that Simon somehow gained access to the Gelman Process. Unfortunately, he had no idea what he was doing and erased Michael’s memory.”
“And he’s still alive? How does his brain remember the everyday tasks of breathing and blinking?”
“I said ‘memory’, not ‘brain’, dumbass. Erasing his memory has brought him back to the state of a newborn baby. Fortunately, he seems to be developing at an accelerated rate. When Nikita found him three hours ago, he was exhibiting the traits of a two-year-old. Now he is asking lots of questions, most importantly the question ‘Why?’ for every little thing, which is much more like a three-year-old.”
They were interrupted when Michael, bare-butt naked and dripping wet with suds, came running out from behind the curtain, chanting, “You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!”
A male nurse came out running after him. They watched them for a few seconds until Operations asked, “When he returns to his original age, will it stop there and resume as normal?”
Madeline shrugged. “I guess we’ll find out.”
“So asking if his original memory will come back at that point is useless as well.”
Madeline smiled sweetly, not responding. She turned to Nikita, who was snapping her gum and staring at the ceiling. “Nikita,” she looked at her, “you’re not essential to any current missions. You will take care of Michael.”
She pouted. “What for?”
“Because I said so.”
Nikita smirked. “What do I get in return?”
“How about six dollars an hour, the basic rate for any babysitter? But only if you wash the dishes, too.”
Nikita jumped of the gurney in a huff and started towards the direction Michael and the nurse went. “Fine.”
PLH Apartment Complex
Ms. Jones, no relation, laid on her stomach on the purple velvet couch while leafing through Section Weekly, a thin magazine with some important new information and the occasional picture. She smiled and glanced back towards the bathroom, where Moonbeam was curling her hair while singing incredibly off-key to the song playing on the stereo. “And soooome of the clowns are happy…and soooome of the clowns are sad…”
Ms. Jones, no relation, yelled over the music, “If we’re going to keep playing Ani DiFranco, can we at least change the CD?”
Moonbeam popped into the doorway with a curling iron to her head. “To what?”
“I don’t know, one you don’t have memorized?”
Moonbeam stuck her tongue out at her and disappeared back inside. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were tired of that break we take every time number 5 comes on.”
Ms. Jones, no relation, rethought her comment.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Madeline played Spider Solitaire on her computer, a current mission in the minimized window right behind it, when the door opened and Nikita walked in. Madeline looked up at her. “Yes?”
“I’ve got a problem.”
Madeline glanced behind her. “Where’s Michael?”
“Oh, I got one of those harness things and I tied him to a pipe down the hall.”
“All right, what’s the problem then?”
Nikita looked down at her deeply. “I need my purple fix.”
Madeline raised an eyebrow.
“My purple-haired goddess of tongue aerobics fix?”
“Ah, yes, Moonbeam.” Madeline opened a new window quickly, a spreadsheet entitled The Nikita Orgasm Schedule. “When was your last ‘fix’?”
Nikita slumped against the table. “Five days, six hours, twenty-seven minutes, and fifteen seconds.” Madeline typed something. “Sixteen…seventeen…eighteen…”
Madeline glanced at her sharply. “I get the idea.” She returned to her spreadsheet and entered the information. “Yes, you are far behind the necessary time for an intimate relation with someone, even longer than your old self.”
Nikita frowned. “My old self?”
Madeline smiled and ignored the question. Whoops, almost slipped there. “Shall I call Moonbeam in to service you?”
“Yes, well…” Nikita second-guessed herself.
Nikita slumped into the chair. “I was going to say that it could be someone else, but I have this strange feeling that it should be Moonbeam. I mean, I tried to do it myself, but it’s like she has to be there.”
Madeline glanced down at her desk. “Of course. Find someone to look after Michael for a short time and I’ll call Moonbeam.”
Nikita tilted her head to one side. “I don’t think I can find someone to take him for 33 hours.”
Madeline held the phone receiver in midair and looked at her. 33 hours? “You’ll be making this a short visit. After all, you’re a caretaker now.”
Nikita pouted and walked out to find Michael.
PLH Apartment Complex
Moonbeam answered the phone while Ms. Jones, no relation, tried to find her bra. Number 6 on the CD started playing. Moonbeam answered, “Yo!…Yeah…Aw, geez…Yeah, okay…”
Moonbeam hung up the phone and looked at Ms. Jones, no relation, look under the couch. “Hey, Lupe,” she looked up, “I’ve got to go in, but you can stay here for as long as you want.”
“Really?” She glanced at her cell phone on the coffee table. The small green light flashed, signaling that it was still on and receiving a signal. “How come they aren’t calling me in?”
“It’s a Madeline thing.” Moonbeam rolled her eyes and grabbed her silver rhinestone purse. Ms. Jones, no relation, thought about this while Moonbeam grabbed something hot pink off the motionless ceiling fan and tossed it in her lap before heading out the door.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Madeline looked over her current 347 bids on eBay and barely noticed Moonbeam walk in and sit in the chair. She plopped her silver boots on the edge of the desk and looked over at Madeline. “You wanted to see me?”
Madeline jumped out of her chair and exclaimed in a thick Jersey accent, “Jesus Christ, you sca’ed th’ shit outta me!”
Moonbeam looked at her oddly while Madeline glanced around guiltily before recomposing herself and sitting back in the chair. “Yes, it seems that Nikita needs a session with you.”
“You told me that on the phone, but you said you needed to talk to me first.”
Madeline looked at her, crossing her arms in front of her on her desk. “Nikita is starting to question her feelings resulting from the Gelman Process. We can’t expose her to more at this time to program her to stop questioning them without resulting in some serious permanent damage. You will have to show some genuine emotion towards her. Convince her that she has her feelings because you are her girlfriend.”
Moonbeam’s eyes widened, quickly followed by her patented half pout half glare. “But I just started this new thing with Lupe…”
“She’s been in the Section for seven years; she’ll understand that you’re under orders. And if she doesn’t, she knows we’ll make her understand.”
Moonbeam sighed. “Yeah, okay.”
Suddenly, the Torture Twins scurried into the room. They stood on either side of Moonbeam and looked at Madeline desperately. Elizabeth started, “We have some bad news, Madeline.”
Henry added, “Yeah, bad news, definitely b-bad news.”
Madeline frowned at them. “The German?”
They replied, “No.”
Madeline raised an eyebrow. “Monica Lewinsky?”
Elizabeth replied, “No, it’s the new one. Bates.”
Madeline frowned. “I told you to keep him alive.”
“Oh, we did, but we did a mind scan.”
“He’s not speaking in metaphors. He works at an actual motel and lives with a woman who is actually his mother.”
“That’s not possible. I’ve deciphered his code, giving secrets so far as to how he cleans his weapons.”
“No, he just calls it ‘cleaning his weapon’; he actually masturbates. He’s a 34-year-old virgin living with his over-bearing mother at a failing motel at the side of a dead highway.”
Madeline glared at them. “Meet me in the conference room in five minutes. I will explain it to you again.”
They scurried out, choosing to obey instead to argue.
Madeline looked at Moonbeam. “Your mission?”
“Right!” Moonbeam got up and stopped. “Same room?”
“‘Kay.” Moonbeam trotted out of the room.
Section One: Comm
Jason walked across the main area toward Comm, glancing at Walter in his cave trying to keep Michael from touching things. He walked up to Birkoff at his station. “Hey, Seymour, you got my Game Boy?”
Birkoff absent-mindedly replied, “No, I left it at the apartment.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “What the hell did you do that for?! You know that I wanted it when I went on break today!”
Birkoff didn’t respond, his attention completely focused on a satellite scan of all weapons in Buckingham Palace.
Jason left in a huff and headed for van access.
Section One: Holding Room #47
Moonbeam slowly opened the door and peeked inside. Nikita, sprawled out on the bed and looking bored as usual, looked up at her. Moonbeam smiled. “Hey, there, cutie.” Her stomach turned at the phrase. “What are you up to?”
Nikita smiled and looked at her slyly. “Waiting for you.”
Moonbeam closed the door behind her. “Well, how about you stop waiting and we get this party started?”
Nikita beamed and started stripping.
Winstay Pawn Shop
Jason pulled up in the Section van in front of the old brick building. He rushed over to the door at the side to the stairs that led up to the apartments above. He juggled the keys in his hand, trying to find the right one, and almost ran into Gwen standing in front of the door. She jumped back, and then smiled. “Hi!”
Jason smiled and checked her out. “Hi, there.”
Gwen held out a piece of paper. “I was just leaving you a note since you weren’t home.”
Jason slowly accepted it and opened it up. Birkoff- Sorry I missed you! Meet me at Chiot’s tonight at 8, kay? xoxo Love Gwenie. Jason looked back up at her, smiling ever more widely. He took a moment to concentrate on not speaking with his accent and said, “Chiot’s would be fun. I haven’t been there for a while.”
Gwen giggled. “You said yesterday that you’ve never been there!”
Jason thought, So Birkoff was talking to her on the phone yesterday. “Well, yeah, I meant in that neighborhood.”
Gwen smiled. “Cool! Did you get off work early?”
“Yeah, you wanna come in?”
Jason unlocked the door and Gwen followed him inside.
Section One: White Room
Madeline didn’t wait for the door to fully open before she squeezed inside and bent down in front of Norman Bates to look directly into his eyes. “You lied to me.”
Norman looked confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Your talk isn’t some elaborate code; all those things are true!”
“I-I never said it was a code.”
“But who talks like that?!”
“Well, I do…”
Madeline grabbed his shoulders and shook him violently. “NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT!”
Madeline looked away to compose herself while Norman fought back some tears. Suddenly, Madeline had an idea.
She looked at Norman, completely composed with a strange smile on her face. “Mr. Bates, what were some of your hobbies when you were growing up?”
Norman looked around nervously. “I…I can’t remember…”
“I think you do.”
“But I said I don’t.”
“But I think you do.”
“But I said I don’t.”
“But I think you do.”
“But I said I don’t!”
“ANSWER ME DAMMIT!”
Norman burst into tears. “It’s true! I confess it! I have every Alfred Hitchcock movie memorized!”
Madeline smiled and silently watched him sob.
Winstay Pawn Shop
Birkoff walked down the hall toward the door to his apartment. He was about to put in the key in the lock when he heard something inside. He stopped to listen closer. He heard some sort of moaning. Birkoff mumbled, “Dear God, he ordered something on PayPerView again…”
He unlocked and opened the door. He looked inside, froze in place, and dropped the McDonald’s bag he was holding. A gorgeous woman with pink and blonde hair was naked and on top of a certain naked twin brother. They instantly stopped what they were doing. Gwen half turned around and looked at him. Jason smiled awkwardly. She looked back and forth several times between the two until she jumped up, grabbing a Star Trek afghan off a nearby chair to cover herself. “What the hell!”
Birkoff looked at Jason and quietly asked, “What’s going on?”
Gwen started laughing awkwardly. “Oh, wow!” She looked at Jason. “Birkoff, you didn’t tell me you had a twin brother!” She looked back at Birkoff. “Hi, I’m Gwen. I’m a friend of Birkoff’s.”
Birkoff looked at her. “I’m Birkoff.”
Gwen looked at him in horror. “What?!” She turned on Jason. “You led me along all this time making me think you were Birkoff!”
Jason chuckled. “Yeah…”
Gwen started yelling at while trying to get some good hits in and keeping herself covered. Birkoff quickly turned around and rushed out.
Section One: Target Practice Area
Madeline took aim with her basic handgun, wearing her new Gucci headgear. Operations snuck up behind her. “Hello, Madeline.”
“Paul.” Fifty yards in front of them stood Sparks, Siobhan, and Bates, in a row with their hands tied behind their back and juicy red apples sitting on their heads. Madeline fired and the apple on Sparks’ head exploded. “Did you need something?”
“Yes, we have a new little…thing to worry about.”
Madeline took aim. “Level?”
“Nine, nothing to worry about yet.” Madeline fired at Siobhan and hit the apple. Siobhan started sobbing. “It’s based on information that we acquired from Glass Curtain’s computer.”
“Good, I was hoping we would be able to get something from that.” She fired at Bates, making more applesauce. She tore off her head gear and grumbled, “Damn, I missed all three times…”