La Femme Rayonlune: Loyalty
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Moonbeam must prove her loyalty to Operations and Madeline, but which one?
Note: This entire episode was designed to be in a soap opera.
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Madeline sprayed her new plants with water with a content smile on her face. The door behind her opened and Operations walked in. He paused and then turned to the right. “Ah, there you are.”
Madeline didn’t look at him. “Where did you think I would be?”
Operations took a few steps toward her and stopped. His head was visible right over her shoulder. “The section is big.”
“Yes, it is.” She set her spray bottle down and faced him. “I missed you in the Tower last night.”
Operations frowned. “We had a date last night?”
“Yes.” Madeline walked toward him, slowly and seductively. “What detained you?”
“Oh, there was a big mission last night.”
Madeline straightened his tie. “What mission?”
“That one…that came up…all of a sudden…”
“Uh huh…” Suddenly, Madeline’s face changed to anger. The dramatic music started up. She violently slapped him. “YOU LIAR! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME, AREN’T YOU?”
Madeline covered her face with her hands and turned away while Operations put his hand to the red spot on his cheek and stammered, “I…no, I’m not. There was a mission! Really!”
Madeline whipped around and faced him again. Tears streamed down her face, but they weren’t real tears. The makeup department decided that water would work sufficiently. Unfortunately, the station’s idiot daughter Tiffany-Staci-Alexis worked that day and had used blue toilet water. You see, Madeline was made for the soap opera business; she could never produce actual tears but could always sound like she was crying. She was born and raised in the wilderness of southern New Hampshire, the daughter of an ex-Navy captain and the iron princess of the Woldsworth Brothers Soap Flake Company. She was raised in an environment without emotion, without-
Operations looked at the writer behind the computer. “Are you done?”
Mary looked around the room awkwardly, then continued to type. Operations held Madeline in a loving embrace. “You know I would never cheat on you, my darling.”
Madeline held back a sob. “Do I?”
“Yes…don’t you remember that legal contract you made me sign in ’93?”
Madeline whimpered and retorted quietly, “That didn’t stop you from sleeping with Quinn…”
Operations scoffed and walked around the office. “Aw, geez, will you ever drop that? I was drunk!”
Madeline sniffled and looked at the floor. “Is that all it takes to lower your inhibitions?”
Operations stopped and glared at her. “I’m only human, Madeline!”
Madeline gave an evil gaze to the camera as Operations stormed out of the room. The music climaxed as Madeline said, “Maybe that’s not good enough…”
Section One: Comm
Quinn watched the scene in Madeline’s office from the hidden security camera in the corner. She couldn’t stop smiling. Madeline was so angry at her hunka-hunka-burnin’-love. Now all Quinn had to do was find a way to get past that pesky contract…permanently!
She swiveled in her chair and looked over at Hillinger. “Oh, Gregory…”
He glanced at her. “Greg. Just Greg.”
She smiled and pushed her chair closer to him. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about a legal contract binding Operations to Madeline, would you?”
“Yeah, I read the whole thing. It’s stiffer than marriage.”
“Did you notice anything about how to make the contract void?”
Hillinger chuckled. “Yeah, and there’s only one thing that’ll do it.”
Quinn raised an eyebrow. “Which is?”
“Either Madeline or Operations has to die and the other will be free to do whatever they want.”
She smirked evilly. “I think I can manage that.”
Hillinger looked at her with a certain degree of surprise. “Really…”
Quinn didn’t reply, only continuing to smirk as the annoying and dramatic music as the scene faded out.
Nikita looked at the camera, smiling as widely as she possibly could without spraining something. She was dressed in a stereotypical 1950’s housewife dress with apron and her hair formed a massive beehive at the top of her head. She held up a box of Woldsworth Brothers Soap Flakes as the blue eye shadow started running down from one eye. She said in a perky voice in a perfect American accent, “Buy Woldsworth Brothers Soap Flakes today! It whitens and brightens!”
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Moonbeam walked through the doorway, her boots echoing loudly on the obviously wooden set. She looked at Madeline, sitting behind her desk. “You wanted to see me?”
Madeline smiled. “Yes, please sit.” Moonbeam obeyed. “I have a new mission for you.”
“What is it?”
“I want you to follow Operations. I think he may be cheating on me.”
Moonbeam looked at her, hesitating. “Today?”
“Uh, well, that’s going to be a problem.”
Madeline frowned. “Why?”
“Operations already has me on a mission.”
The dramatic music started. Moonbeam whipped her head to the left, trying to find the source of the music. Madeline sighed. “What is he having you do?”
“Apparently Gill Bates disappeared, and Michael isn’t answering his phone. He wants me to investigate, all resources available.”
The music increased and Moonbeam narrowed her eyebrows. Where the hell was that music coming from? She wasn’t starting to hear things, was she? Madeline leaned back in her chair slightly. “Why didn’t he tell me of this activity?”
Moonbeam shrugged. “Unfortunately, I’m not psychic.”
Madeline took a deep breath and exhaled just as slowly. “This may be a trick. He knows that I prefer you to do my in-Section missions and gave you this project to keep you from doing anything I ask of you. There’s no actual mission; this is just busy work. Follow him and find out why.”
“Ah, well…” Madeline looked at her sharply. “No offense or anything, but isn’t he higher up? I just don’t want to get fired, you know, Section fired…” Moonbeam put her hand to her head, imitating a gun firing.
Madeline sighed. “Fine. Perform this Michael mission as intended.” Madeline glared at the camera. “I’ll deal with Paul myself…”
Section One: Weapons
Hillinger towered over Quinn on the main table, both completely naked. They grunted and moaned in unison as tools slowly fell off and hit the floor.
Quinn frowned as her head hit the table again. “We…have to…talk about…killing…Madeline…”
“Fine…you have to…help me…oh god yes…get rid of…of…of…yeah…oh yeah…”
“Get rid…of what?”
Quinn smacked him and he stopped humping her. “You told me I have to help you get rid of something.”
Hillinger took a moment to collect himself. He looked at her. “If I help you take out Maddy, you have to help me take out the twins.”
“Seymour and Jason?” He nodded. “Why?”
“They annoy me.”
Quinn gave a small shrug. “All right, whatever gets the job done.”
Hillinger hesitated. “Can we still have sex afterwards?”
Quinn rolled her eyes. “Yes…”
Hillinger smirked and resumed their activity.
Nikita rushed up from her sitting position and held up the empty box. Her smiled faltered slightly and a few hairs strayed from her beehive. “Buy Woldsworth Brothers Soap Flakes today! It whitens, brightens, and does wonders with silk!”
Les Barbouzes: Apartment 7
Moonbeam unlocked the door in a matter of seconds and walked into Michael’s apartment. She looked over the large room. Some cute background music played for two seconds and stopped. Moonbeam looked around suspiciously, then continued her search. If Michael had lived there, he appeared to have moved hastily. The furniture was gone, but random useless objects were left behind like a trashcan and a red vinyl stool. Dust bunnies were left where a large piece of furniture was. He may have been a level-five operative, but he wasn’t too keen on cleaning.
Moonbeam slowly walked over and peered into the trashcan. It was riddled with dozens of used condoms. Her eyes widened and she looked around the apartment again. She took out a small device and began to scan the counter to the kitchen next to her. The music played again and vanished as quickly as it came. Moonbeam frowned and stopped her scanning. She slowly walked around the counter. As the music started again, she whipped out a gun from the small of her back and shot a speaker sitting on the floor in the corner.
“God, that was annoying,” Moonbeam mumbled and continued her search.
Section One: The Perch
Operations looked over his domain as Moonbeam entered the room. “Sir?”
He turned around. “Ah, Moonbeam, yes?”
“I have new information regarding Michael.”
“What did you find?”
Moonbeam took out her small purple notebook with silver trim. “His apartment is empty except for some useless objects left behind. He appears to have moved. After examining the apartment, I found…” she paused to take a breath, “thirty-seven used condoms, some used by Michael, some used by Gill Bates, which covered thirty-seven Twinkie wrappers, along with Gill Bates’ fingerprints all over the place.”
Operations hesitated. “Have Birkoff put a trace on Michael’s tracking device. Take a team to capture him and Bates once he has a location.”
Moonbeam nodded and headed for the stairs.
Section One: Madeline’s Office
Moonbeam trotted in the door and stood in front of Madeline. She looked up. “Yes?”
“I wasn’t able to follow him but I snatched this up when he wasn’t looking.” Moonbeam held out a small piece of paper. “It’s a receipt to a boutique down the street. He bought five silk scarves and some perfume.”
Madeline took the receipt and examined it. “That’s my scent.”
“Do you think he bought it for you then?”
Madeline looked at her. “No, I mean that’s my scent. I own the company.”
“Oh.” Awkward silence. “Well, I have to put a trace on Michael so I should be off.”
Madeline smiled. “Of course.”
Moonbeam started to leave but stopped in the open doorway and looked back. “You haven’t seen Nikita, have you? We haven’t had our session yet.”
“It appears that a new side effect of the Gelman Process has developed. I’ve heard she started pursuing a career in acting.”
“Interesting…” Moonbeam walked out and the door closed.
Nikita stood in front of the camera with a heel firmly planted on the empty and now crushed box of Woldsworth Brothers Soap Flakes. She smoked a cigarette and her beehive sat at a 45-degree angle. Someone spoke from behind the camera and she looked up at them. Her Australian accent came back when she asked, “What do you mean I’ve got another one? I thought we were done?” The anonymous person replied. Nikita flicked her cigarette at them and replied, “Fuck that, I’m not doing this anymore.” She walked off stage.
Section One: Main Area
Quinn and Hillinger sat on the briefing table, wrapped around each other, still naked and sweaty but with a sheet draped around them. They continued to grope each other when Operations and Madeline walked in from opposite directions and met in the middle. Madeline pounced, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”
Quinn and Hillinger jumped and instantly started thinking up excuses when they noticed she was talking to Operations and hadn’t even noticed them. Operations replied, “What are you talking about?”
Madeline held up the receipt. “Who did you buy this for?”
He looked at the receipt and sighed. “For you.”
She gave him a questioning look. Operatives started gathering around to watch the fight.
“For your birthday.”
She frowned. “My birthday isn’t for two months.”
“I run Section. This doesn’t exactly give me a lot of free time. I had a two-hour window the other day so I decided to get some things done while I had the chance.”
“So you went shopping?”
“Well, and a bikini wax.”
“Oh…” Madeline glanced around awkwardly.
Operations noticed the crowd and took advantage of the situation. “I’m glad you’re all here. I have some bad news. If you hadn’t noticed, we no longer have any background music. We have no idea how to fix it so we can no longer be a soap opera.”
While everyone moaned in disappointment, Moonbeam looked away to hide her guilty look. Birkoff rushed forward. “I have a location on Michael!”
“Good, put it on the briefing screen.”
Operations took out his remote and turned it on. Quinn squealed with delight and moaned in ecstasy. Operations rolled his eyes and the scene faded out while the credits started.