LFR #5: Father

La Femme Rayonlune: Father
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001

Rated R
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Quinn suddenly becomes pregnant; who could the father be?

Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.

Near Section One: Slim Jenkins’ Court

In the overrun part of the city, everything looked like the apocalypse came and went. Everything was dirty and in ruin. A car went speeding by the well-built apartment complex, firing a gun out the back window. A police car with sirens and lights going was close behind. Inside one of the insanely small apartments Quinn was busying herself in the bathroom, the only other room in the apartment. She held a plastic stick up to the faint bare light bulb and looked closely at it. She smiled evilly.


Section One: Holding Room #23

Moonbeam squeezed out the door and quickly shut it behind her. She leaned against it and panted. Her hair was a mess and she had gotten her clothes back on as fast as possible. She whispered to herself, “I think I may have overdone it with the Gelman Process.”

She quickly got away when the door opened. Nikita stood in the doorway with a sheet hastily draped around her body. She innocently asked, “Where are you going?”

“I have to go.”

Nikita pouted. “Go where? I still need you…” She stepped forward to caress Moonbeam’s cheek. “I can’t fight these urges off…”

“Nikita, I know that you have this uncontrollable desire to do this again, but we’ve been in there for three days. I need food!”

Nikita reached from behind the door and brought out a can of whipped cream. She held it out with a wanting look on her face. Moonbeam glanced between her and the can for several seconds. “Yeah, okay, that’ll do for now.”

Moonbeam pushed Nikita back into the room and shut the door behind her.


Section One: Madeline’s Office

Quinn walked through the automatic door. It closed behind her, nipping at her ankle, causing her to yelp. Madeline smiled sweetly, remembering to reward Birkoff with a week off for rigging the door. Quinn looked at her. “You wanted to see me?”

“Yes, I did.” Madeline stood up. She picked up the riding crop on her desk. “I have a new torture device that I wanted to try out. Kneel down please.”

Quinn obeyed, her eyes wide. “You-you can’t do this anymore. I can’t be your punching doll anymore!”

Madeline continued to smile. “And why not?”

“Be-because…” Quinn sniffled. “I’m pregnant!”

“Oh, really? How convenient. Hands behind your back.”

“No, really, I’m telling the truth, look!” Quinn pulled the pregnancy test out of her pocket and handed it to her. Madeline looked at it thoroughly. There was a blue line on the testing area. It was Section issue. Madeline frowned and looked down at Quinn, riding crop still in hand. “Who is the father?”

Quinn diverted her eyes away. “I think you already know…”

Madeline continued to stare her down as the information sank in. The sake in her delicate Japanese porcelain cups. The miscommunication with the Tower reservation. The missing key to the handcuffs. Due to Madeline’s momentary lapse of logic, Quinn and Operations spent a night in the Tower. Together. Alone.

The knuckles of the hand that held the riding crop became white as she gripped harder. “Are you certain?”

Quinn glared at her. “What do you think I am, some kind of slut?”


Quinn hesitated. “Yes, I’m sure.”

Madeline drew a breath. “Okay. Fine. Go back…to your post. I’ll deal with you later.”

Quinn scrambled for the door as Madeline slowly sat back in her seat. She stared at the wall with a blank look on her face.


Section One: Comm: five minutes later

Jason came up behind Birkoff, sitting at his station as usual, and whispered in his ear. “Hey, did you hear about Quinn?”

Birkoff glanced at him. “No. What?”

“She’s pregnant.”


Jason glanced around to see if anyone else was listening. “Well, I, uh, kinda…”

Birkoff stopped what he was doing and looked at him. “You didn’t.”

Jason instantly tried to defend himself. “I came here one night and she was workin’ drunk and it seemed too easy!”

Birkoff sighed, rolled his eyes, and returned his attention to his screen. “Do you know for sure?”

“Well, no, but who else could it be?”

“Anyone. She slept with Operations; it could be his.”

“Naw, that’s just a rumor. Madeline would never let that happen. Anyway, I think we all know that Jason Crawford always gets the job done, heh heh heh.”

Birkoff just rolled his eyes again.

“Hey, do you know if Walter still has that blood testing kit from Medical?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“It shouldn’t be too hard to get some DNA from the girl, should it?” He smiled and slowly cautiously made his way over to Walter’s cave. Walter was sitting at the table with his enormous magnifying lens. “Hey, Walter, do you still have that blood testing kit?”

He looked up. “What? Oh, yeah, I do. I keep forgetting to take that back. Why?”

“Um, I kinda have a problem…”

“Spit it out, kid. I’m listening.”

“Well, have you heard about Quinn bein’ pregnant?”

Walter hesitated. A flash of panic washed over his face. “Uh, no, I hadn’t.”

“Well, betta’ safe than sarry. Kin I barrow it?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s at the end of Lot 6.”

“Thanks.” Jason went toward the back. Walter didn’t continue his work. He sat there glancing around nervously. This wasn’t good news.


Section One: Madeline’s office

Moonbeam quickly entered the room and broke Madeline out of her spell. Moonbeam remained standing but leaned toward Madeline. “I need your help.”


“I played a little with the Gelman Process to complete my mission with Nikita.”

Madeline smiled. “Very good. I had counted that project as lost.”

“Well, not exactly good. It worked too good. I think I gave her an overdose.”

“All right. I’ll adjust her programming. Where did you put it?”

“In her panel.”

“That should be easy. I’ll tone it down a bit, so long as she can continue to do her job with 100 percent excellence but have emotions toward you.” She punched a few keys at her computer. “How often would you like to have intimate relations to assure she won’t go back to Michael?”

“Uh…” Moonbeam thought for a while. “Every other day?”

“All right, once every 48 hours.” She typed for a few more seconds, then turned back to Moonbeam and smiled. “I have a new mission for you.”

Moonbeam stood up straight (no pun intended). “Yes?”

“Quinn is pregnant. I want you to verify who the father is and think of what do to with Quinn.”

Moonbeam nodded. “That seems easy enough.”

“Good. Start immediately.”


Section One: Grand Opening of the Cafeteria

Moonbeam sat alone at a long table with an overloaded tray of food. She eyed Quinn across the room while she fed her malnourished body. Quinn also sat alone, sipping a cup of tea and reading How To Be A Spice Girl. The clown, actually Gibbons on a really bad abeyance mission, danced around to entertain everyone and crossed Moonbeam’s line of vision.

Michael entered the room and stopped at the doorway. He looked around, found Moonbeam, and walked toward her. He sat down across from her. “I need to talk to you.”

“Yeah, sure, just move over a couple of feet.”

Michael complied. “You were on the mission that brought Gill Bates in.”

“Yup.” The clown danced by, bells jingling.

“It was a Valentine mission.”


“What did you do?”

Moonbeam glanced at him, then went back to watching Quinn. “You’re a level five. Get a copy of the debrief.”

“I want to hear it from you.”

“Why?” Moonbeam glared at the clown who didn’t move from next to her. “Excuse me for a second.” She pulled out her gun from its home in the waistband in the small of her back and took the clown down with one shot. No one flinched. “Cut the crap, Michael. What do you want?”

Michael hesitated. “Do you have any feelings toward Gill Bates?”

Moonbeam sneered at him. “Hell no. It was just a mission.”

“So you’re trying to tell me that you never get attached to a mission?”

“Exactly. I’m the one that keeps the plot simple around here, remember?”

“Fine. I was just making sure.” Michael slowly got up to leave. Moonbeam glared at him, starting at a new grilled cheese sandwich, and looked back at Quinn.


Section One: Madeline’s Office

Madeline and Operations stood by her desk. Madeline glared at him. “You have to do something about this.”

Operations bowed his head in shame. “Yes, I know. I will.”

“Those cups were priceless! And why did you start drinking before I returned with the Saran Wrap?”


The door opened and Nikita walked in, interrupting their discussion. She stopped in front of Madeline and Operations. Madeline sat at her desk and Operations remained standing. He smiled. “Nikita. Please, sit.”

Nikita obeyed. Madeline smiled at her. “I see you have some new clothes. Did you have a chance to do some shopping earlier?”

Nikita sported her old combat boots with cargo pants and a new t-shirt that read “Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not.” Nikita gave a small smirk. “Yeah, a bit.”

Operations sat on the edge of the desk. “Let’s get right to the point. Nikita, there’s a possibility that I’m your father.”

Nikita frowned at him. “No, you’re not. Mr. Jones is.”

Operations and Madeline gave each other questioning looks. Operations asked Nikita, “But, isn’t it according to The Aris’ LFN Bible, fifth season didn’t happen, along with the latter part of fourth season?”

Nikita narrowed her eyebrows and thought for a moment. She brought out a large bound document from under her labeled “The Aris’ LFN Bible.” She flipped through a few pages before coming to the right page. “Oh, right. Of course, I’m sorry.” She looked at the two. “So what’s my next line?”

Madeline and Operations took out two more bound documents from behind them and flipped through the pages. Madeline frowned and looked at the cover of hers. “Oh, shit, this is the script to ‘Spanking The Monkey’. I was looking for that earlier.” She laid the document on the desk and pulled out another one.

Operations found the part and read out loud, “Nikita looks at Operations with confusion and amazement and quietly asks, ‘Are you sure?'”

“Right-o.” Nikita took a moment to compose herself. She looked at Operations with confusion and amazement and quietly asked, “Are you sure?”

“No, not really, but it’s what we’re going with right now. There has also come the time when you might be getting a baby brother or sister.”

Nikita looked at Madeline. Madeline instantly defended, “No, not me, Quinn.” She smiled. “And ruin these hips?”

Operations continued, “So, as I was saying, I thought I would take this moment to tell you about the birds and the bees. You see, when a man and woman fall in love, or when they have too much sake-”

“Um,” Nikita interrupted. “I know all this.”

Operations frowned. “But I never told you.”

“They showed us a video in fourth grade with that girl that played Annie.”


Nikita leaned back in her chair and whimpered in a small voice, “I-I was ten…”

Operations glared at her. “I will deal with you later.” He pointed at the door. “GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY! YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

“But I don’t have a room here, I have an apartment…”

“Find one and go to it!”

Nikita quickly got up and ran out of the room.


Section One: Main Area

Jason walked across the room toward Comm reading a piece of paper. Walter stopped him halfway. “Hey, Jason.”

He smiled. “Hey, Walter, what’s up?”

Walter smiled nervously. “Uh, you haven’t done that blood test yet, have you?”

“Aw, well-”

Another male operative walked up, “Hey, Jason, I heard you had Walter’s blood kit.”

Jason looked at him. “Uh, yeah, I did. I-”

“Did you use it yet?”

“Well, I-”

Two more operatives stopped by them and asked questions. Soon Jason was surrounded by three dozen nervous male operatives. Operations and Madeline walked out and stopped by the briefing table. Operations took out a six-shooter from his genuine 19th century gun holster and fired at the ceiling. Everyone stopped and looked at him while a bit of plaster dust fell on Madeline’s head. Operations yelled, “What’s goin’ on?”

Walter smiled. “Um, it seems that all these gentlemen slept with Quinn at one point or another…”

Operations narrowed his eyebrows. “All of you?”

They all nodded and looked at each other. An anonymous operative yelled from the back, “We heard she’s pregnant!”

Suddenly, Moonbeam came from the opposite direction, dragging Quinn by the hair. “Wrong!”

Everyone looked at her. Madeline gasped, “What are you saying?”

Moonbeam stopped and pulled up Quinn to a kneeling position. “Start talking.”

Quinn whimpered and said, “I was lying.”

Madeline’s eyes widened. “What?!”

“I…I didn’t want you to beat me up anymore…”

Madeline drew a breath. “So the pregnancy test…”

Moonbeam took it out. The line was blurred from water. “Blue washable marker.”

Madeline’s eyes turned red. Smoke poured from her ears. She slowly walked toward her. The music from “Carrie” started playing over the speakers.

Unfortunately, the rest of this episode was thought to be inappropriate for regular television. You can see the rest on the website http://www.madelineopensacanofwhoopass.com with a small charge to your credit card. Thank you and good night.


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