LFR #2: Enemy

La Femme Rayonlune: Enemy
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001

Rated R
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: Red Cell retaliates against their defeat while Nikita and Moonbeam start their own personal war.

Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.

Section One: random hallway

Madeline walked down the hall with the blank smile she usually had at all times. Birkoff spotted her and rushed forward. She stopped and slightly widened her smile. “It’s good to see you back, Birkoff. I assume your downtime was satisfactory.”

“Well, I spent most of it nursing a massive sunburn in my hotel room, but they had cable.”

“Good. What can I do for you?”

“We just got a message from one of our informants. Red Cell is pissed. They refer to their udrive conspiracy as a work of genius. They’ve threatened to unleash a new secret weapon. Everything that we know is on this disk.”

As Birkoff was talking, an anonymous operative tried to pass, Madeline being in his way, so she sent him flying over the railing next to them. Birkoff glanced over the stainless steel while handing her the disk. “Very good, Birkoff. I’ll look at this; meanwhile, you call a debrief in an hour. I’ll inform Moonbeam and Nikita.”

Birkoff nodded and walked off. Madeline continued her journey to the holding rooms.


Section One: Holding Room #47

Madeline walked up to the large metal door and peeked through the window. She had left Moonbeam with Nikita for two hours and hoped some progress had been made.

At first, she saw nothing. The room appeared to be empty. Then suddenly a flash of purple went over the window. The room was empty again. Madeline narrowed her eyebrows and leaned in closer toward the window.

Nikita and Moonbeam came into view again when Moonbeam threw Nikita onto the Section-issue lovebed. Nikita quickly flipped over backwards, resulting in a momentary period of dizziness from the whiplash, giving Moonbeam the opportunity to push her back down and pin her arms. She yelled, “You can’t fight this!”

“I can’t do this!” Nikita screamed back and kicked Moonbeam off with her long legs. In a second, she had Moonbeam pinned down with an arm twisted behind her back. “I’m not a dyke!”

“I never said you were!” Moonbeam’s voice was muffled against the mattress. “Let me go!”

“Not until you say ‘uncle’!”


“Say it!”

“Never! I was just doing what Madeline told me to do, you psychotic blonde! Do you honestly think I want Michael’s used goods!?”

The door opened and both girls froze and looked up at Madeline. She took a few steps forward and calmly said, “This is not what I asked for.”

Moonbeam tried to squirm away from Nikita. “She kept resisting. I did my best until she tried to snap my head off.”

“Let her go,” Madeline commanded and Nikita obeyed. Moonbeam instantly stood up and moved away from Nikita. Madeline continued. “Something has come up. There is a debrief in an hour. You can leave, Moonbeam.”

Moonbeam glanced between the two of them for a few seconds while rubbing her neck before leaving. Madeline watched the door close and then looked at Nikita, who pointed her nose up defiantly without even thinking. Madeline simply said, “This isn’t acceptable.”

“I can’t do what you want me to.”

“You said that when you first entered Section regarding killing people. But over the years, your body-count has risen to a little over three thousand.”

Nikita hesitated. “That’s different.”

“How?” Madeline started slowly walking around her. “You argued that you weren’t a killer, that you were falsely accused of a hideous crime, blah blah blah. But after a short time, we were forced to make a few budget cuts to cover the expense of your ammo.”

Nikita only pouted.

“I did not ask you to contain your feelings for Michael. I ordered you to. You did not. So I told Moonbeam to divert your emotions away from him and onto her. I did not ask her to. I ordered her to. And I’m not asking you. You are to do it without resistance, or you’ll be cancelled. Is that clear?”

Nikita closed her eyes and didn’t answer. They snapped open again when Madeline grabbed her hair and pulled her head back.

“Is. That. Clear?”

Nikita hesitated. “Yes.”

Madeline let go of her and smiled. “Good. Now, you’re free to go until the debrief.”

Madeline walked out. An operative ran into her, causing Madeline to take the gun out from her bra and shooting him in the head. She walked away without flinching.


Section One: The Perch

Operations looked down from his castle at his slaves. He watched Nikita walk across the lobby, looking around. She looked under tables and around every corner. He read her lips as she continued to call for Michael, occasionally whistling.

Suddenly, someone stood behind him, pressing their body against him. He could instantly tell it was a woman. Two fragile hands reached around and a husky English accent whispered, “Hello, lover,” before heading for the equator.

Operations rolled his eyes and spun around. He faced Quinn. “What do you want?”

She licked her lips. “You know what I want, baby.”

“Not now, Quinn.” He turned back to look over his manor.

“Oh, c’mon, love. I can dress up like a Spice Girl again.” A finger played with his ear. He slapped it away. It returned. He slapped it again. Suddenly, he heard two thunks. He turned around to see Madeline with a baseball bat and Quinn on the floor.

Madeline smiled gently. “I’m afraid I didn’t hit her hard enough this time. She’s still breathing.”

Operations smiled back. “That’s all right. It’ll do for now.”

Madeline walked to him, dropping the bat with a thunk and accidentally crushing one of Quinn’s pinkies with her heels, and kissed him gently. The perch windows went dark.


Section One: Debrief Table and Bar

Nikita was the last one to arrive just as Birkoff sat down with a somewhat large strawberry daiquiri. Operations brought up the screen while sipping on his vodka-tonic after Nikita sat in between Walter and an empty seat. “New intel suggests that Red Cell isn’t happy with us after we uncovered the information from George Curious. Naturally, they’ve planned a retaliation. While their exact plans are still unknown, we do know that it will involve some sort of sabotage with the large corporation Megahard.” He pushed a button on the small remote and the screen changed to a Pac-Man game in progress. “This is the general layout of one of their offices nearby. The plan is to infiltrate this office,” he pointed at a pink ghost, “and gain the information we need to stop the sabotage on the general public. Moonbeam will lead the team, accompanied by Nikita and Birkoff in the van.”

Nikita glanced at Jason slipping something into Quinn’s Miller Lite before asking, “Where’s Michael?”

Operations gave her The Look. “Michael has been detained. He won’t be with you on this mission.” He gulped down the small amount of liquid left in his glass and threw it in the fireplace next to him, sending a small piece of broken glass directly into Quinn’s right eye, causing her to moan in pain. Madeline glared at her for trying to speak, but seeing her in pain returned her pleasant smile and the sparkle in her eye. “That is all; the van leaves in ten minutes so haul ass.”

Moonbeam rushed up while avoiding Nikita’s patented Defiant Look, available in stores on October 14th.


Megahard Office #467 with McDonald’s annex

Nikita finished her small chocolate shake and looked up at the monitor. The green dot that represented Moonbeam moved slowly to the right. Nikita said over the radio, “You’re now approaching the final mark.”

Moonbeam, inside in her state-of-the-art mission wear, approached a small office. The door was labeled “Mail Room.” She smiled and said, “Hey, Nikita, it’s the mail room. You need me to pick you up anything?”

Nikita glared at the monitor without answering. Moonbeam proceeded to the small personal computer on the desk and turned it on. Ten minutes later, the computer was ready for a command. She inserted a disk and started typing. “Birkoff, I’m sending you the files. Are you receiving?”

In the van, Birkoff continued to rub off his 10th “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” game piece. “Damn!”

“Birkoff, are you receiving?!”

He looked up. “What? Oh…” He looked at his computer screen. “Yes, I’m getting them.”

Moonbeam continued to access files and send them for a few moments until she noticed something. “Birkoff?”


“Open a file.”

“Which one?”

“Any of them.”

He obeyed. The screen was filled with squares and ‘y’s with accent marks. “It’s coded.”

“Have you drank too many piña coladas? That’s not coding! They used smart quotes! They’re all like that!”

Birkoff stared at the screen with disbelief, hitting a few keys. He looked at Nikita. “The smart quotes have corrupted all the files. I’ll be lucky to get an eighth of the information.”

“All right, let’s abort,” Nikita replied.

“That’s not your call,” Moonbeam said.

“It is now.” Nikita cut the radio feed.

Birkoff stared at her. “What are you doing?”

She glared at him. “The mission is over.”

Moonbeam finished sending files. “All right, that’s all of them.” No one answered. “Birkoff?” Nothing. “Hello?” Suddenly, an alarm went off, red lights flashing everywhere. Moonbeam looked up. “Crap!”

She rushed out of the building just in time to see the van speeding away.


Section One: Walter’s Corner

Nikita sat on a stool playing with some object. Walter sat at his workstation with a super duper magnifying glass. Nikita continued, “I just don’t know if I can keep doing this anymore, Walter.”

He looked up at the mention of his name. “Of course you can, sugar.”

Moonbeam came into the main lobby, furious. She stopped, spotted Nikita, and stormed over to her. She threw her gear at Nikita and yelled, “Bitch!”

Walter looked at her. “Whoa, hey there, honey, cool off.”

“Stay out of this, Walter!” Moonbeam pushed Nikita. “What the hell did you think you were doing!?”

Defiant Look® here. “The mission was compromised.”

“By what!?”

Nikita thought quickly. “Hostiles.”


Nikita couldn’t think of anything.

“I am sooooooo reporting you!” Moonbeam stormed off toward Madeline’s office. Nikita handed Walter the gear while watching her go.


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