LFR #1: Moonbeam

La Femme Rayonlune: Moonbeam
Co-authored with Moonbeam
Written May 2001

Rated R
Synopsis: A parody fic … the story of level five operative Moonbeam and the way we wish LFN had been.
In this chapter: An online business is overtaken by Red Cell, resulting in drastic consequences. Meanwhile, Nikita and Michael’s relationship gets in the way of Section business.

Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. The characters you don’t recognize were created by the authors. No infringement is intended.

Section One

Madeline debriefed the group in the usual place. “It has come to our attention that the online service known as udrive has been taken over by hostiles. Their once peaceful and manageable site has recently been completely redone and become a complete waste of internet space. Intel suggests the owners work for Red Cell. That group is trying to take over the world with javascript; they can’t succeed.” She pushed a button on her universal remote and the picture changed. “This is the owner, George Curious. We’re going to pay him a visit. Get any information you can and bring him back here for interrogation.” She turned to one of the younger operatives, well built with bright purple hair streaming in all directions. “Moonbeam, you’ll head the team. You leave with Ms. Jones in one hour.” She turned to a leggie blonde, who continued to edge closer to Michael in her chair as Madeline spoke. “Nikita, I need to speak to you in my office immediately. That is all.”

As everyone got up to leave, Moonbeam eyed Nikita. Nikita eyed Michael and slowly followed Madeline out of the lobby, not taking her eyes off Michael until the last possible second. Moonbeam joined Ms. Jones, no relation, in Comm. Moonbeam looked around. “Where’s Birkoff and Jason?”

Ms. Jones, no relation, sat at the head station and started typing away. “Birkoff is on assignment in Jamaica, drinking margaritas. Jason was called off to Center again.”

Moonbeam slowly sat down in the chair next to her. “I see…” She watched Ms. Jones, no relation, type for a few moments in silence. “So, Ms. Jones, how long have you been here?”

“If you don’t mind, I have a mission to prepare for.” She glared at Moonbeam. “I’m not some field op that can just walk out the door with a gun and get the job done.”

She turned back to her computer screen. Moonbeam glared at the side of her head for a second before getting up in a huff and walking off.


Madeline’s Office

Nikita sat in front of Madeline. Madeline gave her the usual blank stare. “Your relationship with Michael is inhibiting on your performance. This is not acceptable.”

Nikita pouted. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What was going on at the debrief? Did Michael have some powerful magnet in his pocket that was somehow drawing your chair closer but had no effect on the computer?”

Nikita didn’t answer.

“Michael is becoming a distraction. Either take care of the problem or I’ll take care of it for you.”

Nikita glared at her for a few moments before slowly standing up defiantly and walking out the Star Trek-like door.


udrive’s Main Office

Moonbeam and Ms. Jones, no relation, walked down the hall of the business room toward the main office. They stopped at the secretary’s desk. Moonbeam commanded, “We need to see Mr. Curious immediately.”

The secretary smiled. “Do you have an appointment?”


“I’m sorry, no one can see him without an appointment.”

Moonbeam took out a small handgun from the small of her back and pointed it at the woman, a small flower-shaped sticker glittering on the barrel. “We don’t need one.”

The secretary gave the usual response; eyes wide, mouth open. Ms. Jones, no relation, took the cue to walk into the office, leaving the door open. Moonbeam stayed in place. Ms. Jones, no relation, dropped the laptop on the desk of the overweight older gentleman. “We want to know everything about your involvement with Red Cell.”

“I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Two guards came down the hall toward the desk. Moonbeam shot them with two bullets without even flinching. The secretary dove under the desk in fear.

Ms. Jones, no relation, opened the laptop, plugged in two cords to the side and connected the other ends to Mr. Curious’ temples. Before he had a chance to object, she hit a key that sent a small volt of electricity. He jolted in pain. Ms. Jones, no relation, repeated, “We want to know everything about your involvement with Red Cell.”

George Curious begged, “Please, I’ve never heard of that name. I don’t who they are.”

“You knew they were a ‘they.'”

He thought quickly for a second, pulled the cords off his face and bolted for the door. Moonbeam was waiting for him and hit him over the head with her gun, knocking him out. She stared at the wall and said, “We have him.”

Michael came out of nowhere and dragged the beast of a man away. Moonbeam and Ms. Jones, no relation, followed.


Section One: White Room

Madeline entered the White Room and closed the door with a satisfied clank. George Curious was strapped to the chair, sweating like an Eskimo in Miami. The Twins had done a nice job on him with tools from their orange suitcases, but Curious refused to break. It would take a special kind of torture to get the intel.

“Mr. Curious, it’s really quite simple. Either tell me what your connection is with Red Cell, or you’ll undergo the most incredible pain imaginable.”

He chuckled. “I admire your tenacity, but your goons couldn’t break me. What makes you think you’ll succeed?”

Obviously, the man had no idea who he was dealing with–and Madeline hadn’t had her coffee that morning. Carefully, she put a pair of earplugs in her ears and pulled a remote control from her pocket. After adjusting the dials, she smiled at the shocked expression on Curious’ face as the music started. Satisfied, she opened her book Getting the Most From Your Trip to the Tower and began to read.

Sweat continued to gush from the prisoner’s pores. The irritatingly contagious beat was beginning to annoy him, and it had just started! George Curious was determined not to break, but one could only listen to the Macarena so many times…


Section One: The Perch

“Moonbeam, thank you for coming.”

The young operative glanced around Operations’ office, wondering where all his furniture went, then looked at the man before her. “You’re welcome.”

“As Madeline’s protégé, I’m sure you’ve been informed on the situation regarding Michael and Nikita.”

“If you’re referring to the fact that their goal is to have sex in every possible location in Section, I figured that out already.”

Operations rolled that thought over in his mind; he hadn’t been aware of that. He looked around his office, hoping they hadn’t been here yet. “What else do you know about their relationship?”

“Well, Nikita has Michael wrapped around her little finger. If he does something to irritate her, she threatens to withhold sex from him. At present, he spends more time in the horizontal position than he does on missions.” She rolled her eyes at the thought. “I think Nikita overdid it with the Viagra she stole from the mailroom.”

His face grew pale. “So that’s who took it,” he muttered to himself. He regained his composure once again and looked at the purple-haired operative. “Well, the reason I called you here, Moonbeam, is because of your excellent work in capturing George Curious. I’ve decided to promote you to level five, effective immediately.”

“But I’m only level one right now!”

“You are going to serve as Michael’s replacement until we rectify the situation.”

She grinned. “Level five, huh? Very interesting…”


Section One: The White Room

Madeline closed her book and glanced up at George Curious. The man was crying like a baby, but he wasn’t begging for his life–yet. She flipped off the switch and removed her earplugs. “Last chance, Mr. Curious.”

“Go to hell.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You leave me no choice but to play the most horrendous song in our archives.” She plugged her ears again, adjusted the dial and pressed play.

Curious paused. What could be worse than the Macarena? A man’s voice filled the room. ‘Rose, you’re the most amazingly astounding wonderful girl–woman–that I’ve ever known. I’m not an idiot. I know how the world works. But I’m too involved now. You jump, I jump, remember?’ Then a woman began to sing.

Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on…

Curious started to shake. “No! No! Anything but the dialogue version of ‘My Heart Will Go On’! Please, anything but that!” His words fell on deaf ears, as Madeline had already started reading Making the Gelman Process Work for You. “Hey! Hey! Turn it off, please! I’ll tell you anything! Please!”

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on…

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” The scream could be heard echoing down the hall…


Section One: Madeline’s Office

Michael slammed Nikita onto the desk and ripped her shirt off. Nikita screamed, “OH YES, MICHAEL!!!”

While gnawing at her breasts, Michael whispered, “Talk dirty to me in French…”

“But I…(pant)…don’t know…(pant)…French…”

Michael chewed on a nipple and Nikita moaned. The Star Trek door opened and Madeline entered. She froze in place as the couple tried to collect themselves. Madeline tried to contain her anger as Nikita covered her chest with the remnants of her shirt. After a few moments of awkwardness, she managed to whisper, “This is not acceptable…”


Section One: Madeline’s Office: Hours Later

Moonbeam sat in front of Madeline’s desk and watched her light a circle of candles around a damaged tulip. “So, as you can see, the situation has gotten out of control and their emotions must be either contained or directed toward something else.” Madeline leaned toward the plant until her face was right next to the dying bloom. She said in baby talk, “Yes, it’s all wight now. Da bad Nikita and Michael are gone now. You can get aaaaawl better now.”

Moonbeam asked, “How does this involve me?”

Madeline returned to her normal composure and voice. “They were told to contain themselves and they obviously couldn’t do that so we must resort to the second option. I want you to sleep with Nikita.”

Moonbeam tilted her head and looked at Madeline skeptically. “I didn’t know Nikita played for that team.”

“She has the capabilities. It shouldn’t be too hard to bring them out. I’ve given you a seven-hour window for the task.”

“I don’t suppose you have some file on her likes or dislikes in that department, would you? If I knew right away what she would need, the seven hours could be used more efficiently.”

Madeline smiled sweetly. “Just don’t speak French.”


Section One: Holding Room #47

The huge metal door slowly opened and Moonbeam entered. Nikita looked up from her slouched position on the bed. The door closed with a clang. Nikita asked defiantly, “What do you want?”

“Madeline sent me.”

“For what? She went to all the trouble of having me restrained in the White Room for ten minutes before throwing me in here.”

Moonbeam took a step forward and put her hand on Nikita’s cheek. “I’m Michael’s replacement.”

Nikita frowned. “I’m not like that.”

“You’re going to have to change then…”


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