The Survey

The Survey
Written September 2001
Rated PG
Synopsis:Β A short survey reveals a bit of information about our favorite Section operatives.

Disclaimer: The characters within are property of LFN Productions, Warner Bros., and USA Network. No infringement is intended.


Birkoff didn’t typically engage in things as trivial and stupid as email surveys. However, he was bored–nothing exciting was happening–and the survey provided his only entertainment. He filled it out, sent it to a few choice operatives via Section’s intranet system, and waited for any responses.

Of course, as he sent his survey, he forgot that all emails were automatically sent to Operations and Madeline. Oops.

***

From: Birkoff
To: Nikita, Michael, Walter
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: I’m bored

hi all. is it just me, or is this place boring? here’s a survey for you all to pass the time.
-birkoff

…General…
Name: Seymour Birkoff
Nicknames: Birkoff
Number of candles on your last birthday cake: 21
Height: good question
Eye color: brown
Hair color: sandy brownish blond
Occupation: Section’s computer analyst
Position: head computer analyst
How much do you love your job: yet another good question
Current residence: Section
Hobbies: computer games, hacking, etc
Significant other: not yet

…Favorites…
Game: any fps
Food: junk food
Beverage: coffee, soda
Alcoholic beverage: margaritas!
Color: camo colors
Movie: Hackers (have you guys seen this? there’s a woman in it who looks a lot like Madeline!)
Music: techno, like Juno Reactor
Words: lame

…Name someone you know who fits the following phrases…
Funniest: Walter
Best looking: Nikita
Most annoying: anybody lame
Busiest: probably Operations
Strongest: Michael
Knows everything: nobody knows everything
Can do anything: Michael
Best kisser: I don’t know
Someone who is always there for you: Walter
Person who understands you: Walter and Nikita
Your true love: haven’t found her yet

…The End!…
Say a few nice words about the person who sent this to you: I originated it
How do you feel now that this survey is over? sad–I’ll be bored again!
Are you sure? probably…


From: Nikita
To: Birkoff, Michael, Walter
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: re: I’m bored

You’re bored? πŸ˜‰ Gee, Birkoff, I didn’t think you ever got bored! πŸ™‚ Anyway, I’ll fill out your little survey.
xoxo…Nikita

…General…
Name: Nikita
Nicknames: Josephine! πŸ˜‰
Number of candles on your last birthday cake: don’t you know it’s not polite to ask a woman her age? πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰
Height: 5’10”
Eye color: blue
Hair color: blonde
Occupation: Section operative
Position: level two, field operative
How much do you love your job: Not like I have a choice! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰
Current residence: my apartment in the city
Hobbies: reading, working out, collecting sunglasses
Significant other: Nobody 😦

…Favorites…
Game: I don’t play many games
Food: I’ll eat anything! πŸ˜‰
Beverage: milk–it does a body good πŸ˜‰
Alcoholic beverage: hmm…
Color: blue
Movie: Titanic….soooooo romantic πŸ™‚
Music: anything
Words: go to hell! πŸ™‚

…Name someone you know who fits the following phrases…
Funniest: Walter
Best looking: Michael πŸ˜€
Most annoying: heehee
Busiest: I’ll go with Birkoff and say Operations
Strongest: Madeline
Knows everything: Madeline
Can do anything: Michael
Best kisser: I don’t kiss and tell πŸ˜‰
Someone who is always there for you: Walter and Birkoff–I love you guys! :*
Person who understands you: I’m not sure I even understand myself
Your true love: you’ll never know πŸ˜‰

…The End!…
Say a few nice words about the person who sent this to you: Birkoff, you are the greatest! I love you!
How do you feel now that this survey is over? giddy πŸ™‚
Are you sure? oh yeah!


From: Walter
To: Birkoff, Nikita, Michael
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: re: I’m bored

If you’re so bored, amigo, why not go search for that true love?!? I’ll go with you… but for now, I’ll just answer these questions…

…General…
Name: Walter
Nicknames: The Love Master
Number of candles on your last birthday cake: too many to count
Height: about average
Eye color: I’ll let the next lovely lady who stares into my eyes tell you
Hair color: gray, the color of wisdom
Occupation: munitions expert, god of love
Position: any position is fine with me!
How much do you love your job: which one?
Current residence: my love nest
Hobbies: looooooooove
Significant other: applications for this position are now available

…Favorites…
Game: The Chase
Food: any food which acts as an aphrodisiac
Beverage: anything except cold coffee
Alcoholic beverage: it’s all good
Color: red, the color of love
Movie: Debbie Does Dallas (just kidding!)
Music: anything by Barry White
Words: mΓ©nage Γ  trois
(Hey, Birkoff, I think ‘position’ was supposed to go under this category!)

…Name someone you know who fits the following phrases…
Funniest: Nikita
Best looking: I’m pretty sexy, aren’t I?
Most annoying: n/a
Busiest: me, when my little black book is full
Strongest: Michael
Knows everything: n/a
Can do anything: Michael
Best kisser: I think I hold that title
Someone who is always there for you: Birkoff
Person who understands you: Birkoff
Your true love: Nikita…grrrrrowl….

…The End!…
Say a few nice words about the person who sent this to you: I got it from both Birkoff and Nikita. You’re both part of the “five-percent club” (remind me to tell you about that), and you’re two of my favorite people here!
How do you feel now that this survey is over? ready for love
Are you sure? definitely…


From: Nikita
To: Walter, Birkoff, Michael
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: LOL!!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Walter, you are sooooooooo funny!!!!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
xoxo…Nikita


From: Michael
To: Walter, Birkoff, Nikita
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: A word of caution

Are you aware that your messages are automatically forwarded to both Operations and Madeline?


From: Madeline
To: Walter, Michael, Birkoff, Nikita
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: Section Policy Reminder

To all involved,

Section policy dictates that the intranet messaging is to be used only when necessary. Although there are few missions in play, sending surveys for entertainment is a violation of protocol. Please discontinue this activity and return to work. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Madeline


From: Nikita
To: Walter, Birkoff, Michael, Madeline
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: re: Section Policy Reminder

Oh, come on, Madeline! We’re bored! There’s nothing going on, it’s not harming anything, it enhances communication among operatives. Live a little! (And fill out the survey–I want to know what you have to say!) Pretty please??? πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
xoxo…Nikita


From: Madeline
To: Walter, Nikita, Michael, Birkoff
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: re: Section Policy Reminder

Nikita,

I disagree. Although trivialities such as these increase the amount of communication between operatives, I don’t feel it enhances it. Nevertheless, I will fulfill your request and answer the survey. After today, however, the mail system will be reserved for Section business only.

Sincerely,
Madeline

…General…
Name: Madeline
Nicknames: none, although I believe certain operatives have referred to me as the Iron Maiden
Number of candles on your last birthday cake: classified
Height: 5’8″
Eye color: brown
Hair color: brown
Occupation: level eight operative for Section One
Position: executive strategist, chief psychologist, second-in-command, wardrobe specialist
How much do you love your job: I enjoy my job
Current residence: classified
Hobbies: bonsai pruning, chess
Significant other: classified

…Favorites…
Game: chess
Food: a nourishing meal
Beverage: coffee or tea
Alcoholic beverage: Dom PΓ©rignon (the 1990 vintage is exquisite)
Color: anything dark or neutral
Movie: a psychological drama or documentary
Music: anything jazz or classical
Words: I tend to believe that actions speak louder than words

…Name someone you know who fits the following phrases…
Funniest: the criminals who think they can avoid breaking under torture
Best looking: physical attractiveness is unimportant
Most annoying: all of our prisoners
Busiest: me
Strongest: me
Knows everything: me
Can do anything: me
Best kisser: classified
Someone who is always there for you: We’re not here for each other
Person who understands you: What’s not to understand?
Your true love: classified

…The End!…
Say a few nice words about the person who sent this to you: Thank you for doing your jobs.
How do you feel now that this survey is over? I feel as if I just wasted several minutes when I could have been doing something more productive.
Are you sure? yes


From: Nikita
To: Madeline, Michael, Walter, Birkoff
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: Madeline’s survey

“classified…classified…classified…” Does that mean you don’t want to answer (residence) or you don’t have one (significant other, true love)? πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
xoxo…Nikita


From: Operations
To: Michael, Walter, Birkoff, Nikita
CC: Operations, Madeline
Subject: MY ANSWERS

…General…
Name: OPERATIONS
Occupation: HEAD OF SECTION ONE
Position: YOUR BOSS

…Favorites…
Words: ABEYANCE, CANCELLATION

…Name someone you know who fits the following phrases…
Can do anything: ME, INCLUDING PUT YOU IN ABEYANCE

…The End!…
Say a few nice words about the person who sent this to you: I’LL LET YOU LIVE IF YOU STOP THIS NONSENSE.

GO BACK TO WORK!!!

The End

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